Instant communication

[I could easily make this into a sort of personal thing, but why bother?]

The thing is, this instant communication thing is not kind. The moment you have a deep imperial thought, it is known to the rest of the world. "A man can live and feel the top for a moment" that's the instant of what people live on. These peaks of grandeur, adrenaline, deep insight. For some people, those are the points when life matters.

The thing is, when I see it, the graph almost resembles a jagged mountain. You see the small peaks, you see the small slopes downward and upward. But this all leads to not appreciating what is really around you, living in the "moment".. Not really taking into account what... God has given you. (but who's to say they don't?)

Although, some might consider God, it is not a sure insight of what they feel. Arrogance is a bitch.

For many people the small breaks that life brings them, are motivation to keep going for the next break. For me, it's more like, the small breaks are a part of something bigger. So I better keep going. I'm not riding the wave, I'm a part of it.

"Conformity is okay, only if it keeps you going forward"

[wow, that's kinda redundant]

It's going to be a fair December.

This is when it's finally making sense.

I'm home. HOME. I'm a homeboy. I love being home. I had forgotten how good it feels, how much of you is part of home, how much home is you. I can't believe how much I've been able to figure out. Why, is not a question anymore, it feels like an answer. I'm not sure how much this is going to last, but I think it will.

Love.

Life.

Happiness.

Home.

That's what I've been taught. That's what I see. I'm happy when I'm home. I feel needed at home. I like being needed. It keeps that drive going. It sucks whenever you notice that some people don't need you, but fuck it. Sometimes you don't need people either. So fuck it. Live it, love it and be cool with those who are cool with you.

You never know when one of those will have your back.

And at home, you know where you're really at.

Porno in the Lab

There's this cute girl sitting behind me. I realize she's seeing my browsing but, I wonder what would happen if I start watching porno. I want to see her rxn. oh god, look at that... rxn. Reaction.

That's how far the influence of chemistry has on me. Having RXN be a supplement for an actual word. I'm still sitting in this lab, I have no idea what I'm doing. How the fuck am I supposed to write a research paper on some bullshit I barely understand. Oh well, those are the breaks I guess. But seriously WTF.

All I can say is that the girl from fucking Big 8... not my type. Sure, she's there, and willing. But I'm not. She's nice, but seriously, who wears "piglet" shit after 8th grade? WHO!?

I'm getting frustrated with all of that bs. I need to vent. I need to vent, but more structured. Structure that I can get by... getting.... really.... high...
But, I've decided to be straight edge.

What ever happend to Paul Wall? I guess he spend all of his money on the grill.

Seriously now. There is this huge weight that is sitting in the back of my mind. It's her. I have to talk to her. I have to tell her everything I've realized, everything that I've seen, everything I've changed, and I want to know everything she's thinking. Because for long, she was my everything and I blew my shot.

Those are the breaks I guess. This is me thinking on paper.

Panic at the Disco - FTW... I hate myself for that. LOL

And that's okay, I feel the same.
Feeling lonely and stressed.
Lonely because it is my shit.
My shit is mine to bear.
Bearing the wounds and waiting to show the scars.
The wounds that won't heal, will definately scar, and always take effect.
They've changed me, for the better.
Changed me, for the better. I guarantee it...

(just a little bit longer.)

The MySpace goodbye.

"I don't know, I might come back some day, it all depends on the weather."

"Hurricanes?"

"No, more like drought"

"AHHHH... so you're a bitch?"

"Fuck you"
[both laugh]

"So, you're really doing it?"

"yeah man, why else do I need to be here? People have my number"

"But, how will that casual conversation happen without the bufffer?"

"Like olden times my boy! They drop me a message in the mail.
EEEE- Mail "

"You're an idiot"

"Dude, seriously, I am spending too much time on the internet.
It's affecting my school"

"Why the fuck are we even talking about fucking myspace? And you say it like I care or something..... No bitch, I didn't mean it like that"
[both laugh]

"Just do what you think is right."

"Yeah, I know it'll be okay. I just hate that there has to be an ending. There has to be a finish before I can progress in ONE thing. Usually I quit things for more than one reason.
Remember when I quit smoking crack?"

"Yeah."
[both laugh]

Call me.Text me
www. twitter. com/kumaku
www. kumaku. blogspot. com
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kumaku@gmail.com
Take it easy.

[I was never good at goodbyes. I was never good at hello either, but for some reason people believed me when I said I was a winner. So I hope they believe me when I say I'll be okay.] Goodbye, don't worry about me. I'll be okay.

Just gotta keep goin'

My heartbreak isn't original. Nothing about this is. People have written, spoken, and acted about this grief. That's what it is, grief. But it's not original. There's nothing original about it. The only variables that change are the names and characters. But this feeling is universal. Some people choose to hide it, others choose to abide by its rules. I'm choosing to be a little bitch and do neither. I have to let it go. But I can't. Yes I can. I really can. But I can't do it. Not yet. Soon.

I could argue have argued that it was meant to be. I could argue have have argued that it wasn't our time. I could argue have argued that too many things added up, and that the universe and all the stars in the galaxy line up perfectly now so that the little things remind me of what it used to be. Of what I still feel it HAS to be. But, what for? No one will listen. No proof of the concept, no genuine knowledge. Just a feeling, some certainty, and a whole lot of observation. Wasn't that good enough for love before?

What changes is the person. What's unique is the interest. What's unique is the idea of "maybe".

Maybe isn't in my language. I'll have the last laugh, probably though...

I have to let myself let go. At least the stuff that I can't change. But I'm a believer of "everything is possible". I guess I'll have to believe that only the person will be able to see. But that's just hope. Hope isn't good for coping. Hope is what you have when you have nothing left. I have nothing left. Hope isn't cutting it for me. What I need is to stop looking around, look inside......

I've already looked, everything is still the same. Having to erase it from the most important parts is like having to erase part of myself. A true part of myself.

What do I do now? I'll say it again, back to square one.

That's why I feel broken. I guess now, my eternal struggle for self realization starts?

Like Einjo said, "That sucks man. I hurt for you. I've seen it plenty of times too. Never have I seen it hurt someone as much. Never ever did I think that something like that could happen so well formed. It's like someone was playing with the pieces. Kind of like a movie, but more fucked up. But I'm not going to lie, I have seen something like this before plenty-a-time. It always sucks, not like this though. This sucks the worst, not only because you're my friend, but because you can tell. I like to call it, "The world crashing down on you." But this is different. It feels kind of like when you know it isn't supposed to happen like this, but it does. Really though, I think you've officially won the worst luck."

 

Luck is a bitch. Fate is what you call it when you can deal with it.

I still need some last words to some people.

Those people know who they are. Those people need to at least give me a signal. Those people are just dodging me for some reason.

Those people aren't cowards, she just moved on.

Until then. Adieu.

Feeling Myself. LOL!

I guess recently I havent been feeling like myself. Not because I don't know what that means, but I just havent felt it inside of me. I hate to dig any deeper than this, because it leads to sad feelings and I know why.
I do know why, I do know what I have to let go, but... There is no but, intelectually i've moved on. Emotionally, I still need to learn some stuff about myself and what it affects.
Right now, it's fucking me up in things that it shouldn't even fuck up.

I still have some stuff to figure out, like being able to concentrate on stuff that matters. Stuff that matters....
1. School
2. Family
3. School
4. Work
5. Friends
6. Myself... BINGO!

"And if i feel tomorrow like i feel today, I'll take what i want and give the rest away" -The Kinks.


Just gotta feel it i guess.

Economics of Priority

I was in class, I wanted to finish my assignment so I could, I don't know, use the rest of the class time talking to my group. In the middle of my march down the finish, I was held back by some fool. Though, he did have good things to say, his explination of things were a little hard to follow and I was too lazy to go ahead and try to understand him, as I normally would.
This ended up with a discussion with the proffessor about it, and led me to get a wrong answer.

It didn't bug me so much that I had gotten an answer wrong in economics but it floods me with different ideas.
First, this leads to the guy thinking he's smarter, harder, and wittyer than I am. I'm not saying that this isn't true, but the arrogance factor in the equation bugs me. and to top it off he now has a fucked up concept of what we were studying. I feel responsible for this.

Second, I feel responsible. In this group it seems like I'm the only one that can give clear answers. Clear enough that everyone understands what I'm trying to say.

Third, this pisses me off because if I had just studied a little, or at least took the time to understand the same concepts, we would have been okay, and this deuchebag would at least take the time to take me into consideration.

Fourth, I need to get my head in the game, but I still have stuff to sort out. Different things were swarming my head. Nothing according to the class. Nothing that can even affect me as much as not getting an A in my classes.

I still feel distracted and not myself.

Battle of the Verts

I just read an essay about introverts and extrovert

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/introverts-extraverts/

As nice and compact as it seems, I can't get myself to fit into any one of those catagories.

I tend to be introverted, but when put on the line I am extraverted and enjoy it. But, I always get my best thoughts alone and when I'm inside of my own head.

But then again, when I get new ideas, I'm always with new people, people I met by being extroverted....

 

And the loop can go on forever.

That's the thing about life, it's way too complicated to be put into black or white, 1 or zero, on or off. I think that essays like this try to define certain principles, but we humans are too awesome to fit into one mold.

I guess, there's always exception to the rule.

Ohhh, a wise guy (girl) aye?

So today at work. A friend told me, "It's because guys don't know what girls want." I went ahead and explained that we don't know because.....I don't know, some bullshit.

The answer is, we're all people here. Everyone wants their partner to be able to put up with their bullshit. Whatever it may be. Those insecurities and faults, someone that will go ahead and put up with them. Someone that will love them for being so broken and ugly.

The people that refuse to admit their flaws, those are the people that don't get it. Those are the people who aren't complete and are usually unhappy. Those are the people you can't be with.

 

I'd go ahead and explain further, but there are so many variables to explain and inside set molds there is always exception to the rule. So lets do what everyone else likes me to do, and poke fun at myself.

I'm too nice.
Niceness won't get me chicks, this is because some girls don't like a guy who will put up with everyone's shit, not just theirs. So I'll become COMPASSIONATE in those girls eyes.

I lack confidence.
[secretly I don't, I'm humble and right now I believe there are so many things that haven't been solved that I can't fake it.]
Confidence shows some chicks that the guy is able to face adversity and will face any challenge. I lack it, therefore I can't possibly do any of those things. So, I'll be a JERK to those girls.

I laugh too much.
Who doesn't like laughing? Although, I have a deeply sarcastic, dark, satirical sense of humor that sometimes I think only people in the crazy house will understand. So, I'll just be TYPICAL to those girls

I'm too smart.
I can't really do much about this, I just need to be stupid I guess. I'll just avoid the stupids and be as collected as I can with the smarts and overall be UNSMART to those girls.

 

The thing is, when is the last time that a guy said, "I just don't know what I want in a girl."

Snuff n' Stuff

Just been hanging out. Getting scared shitless of the unknown the unsolved and the things to come.

We're growing up, we find reasons to look typically older, wiser, and sometimes harder. That's why we picked up dipping, but I have to be honest, sometimes it tastes terrible and my mouth blisters up. Am I older now?

It's funny to see us do it, because we know why we even do it. This self mutilation almost, gives us a sense that we are better than that. We are doing it to experience it now. To tell the story to those that will learn from it, and to motivate others like us that have to experience it to believe.

It's not something that we do consciously, it's not something that we want either. It's who we are, we choose to live simply and vividly at the same time. Living on the edge some say, we're just doing it for the ride.

(-;

Trying to be happy...

Fuck, if there was a better time for time to just fly by, it's now. I want school to start, I need something to keep me productive and stop with all of this self pity and over analyzing and over thinking and over and over and over and over! Enough!

The think is, I got a text, a simple text asking for my career advice. I couldn't just wave it off, I had to respond. I had to make myself seem cool and collected. But every time I was called, a strike to my gut. Every time she said my name, a blow to my heart. I got depressed that night.

But, thanks to a great friend, we challenged ourselves to get something out of our problems. To do something and stop with the worry. As we poured our hearts out, I knew that I wasn't alone. She wasn't me, I wasn't her, and that time WILL help.

As I told others of my sorrowing experience. Everyone said the same thing as my friend, angrily and hastily, "WHY?! Hasn't she done enough?" "Maybe she's not over it either. The only reason she made contact is because she's afraid she might have made a mistake."

And yeah, typically that's what would happen. But, I don't want to think that, I have to keep my guard up, I can't let the shred of hope and probability be my salvation. That's no anchor and it wont fly IRL. But, I did learn that I have awesome friends around me.

The only way I can do these things is just to avoid it all together, there's reason to my madness. I just don't want this to be, "Well, dude, maybe you're the one that's fucking scared and blah blah blah, and you're the one that can't get over it and blah blah blah." "And the anchor is just you being a bitch."

STFU. It's not that simple. I HAVE faced my problems, I HAVE found a reasonable solution, this just 'dropped me down a peg'. I was doing so well, Living my life, having a great time. I didn't need this. Not now. I didn't ask for this.

[the thing is, I already started doing this, that same night as I talked to my friend, I was already feeling better, I was already wanting to keep going where I was. This is just a manifestation of thoughts finally brought to the attention of my life's timeline.]

Carlos on love.

LOVE, I've spoken, written, and lived it.

Recently I saw a TED talk on love. Helen Fisher's presentation on love. http://blog.ted.com/2008/07/the_brain_in_lo.php

It blows my mind. Love that is. The thing about the whole presentation it gave a feeling that I, like so many others, already knew this. Us who have loved, we knew it all. But someone putting all of this into a scientific work, that's all I needed to know. I needed to know that it IS normal to feel like this. It's not just my ability to get.... crazy. It's not just me.

Looking at all of the facts and stuff. I am glad I love, I am happy to have understood that feeling, that instinctive-primal-disorienting-incomprehensible-yet-universal feeling. I love love.

I used to say that one of the most important and powerful words that I hated using, was love. It was because I didn't fully understand that no one really understands, and I will never be able to completely explain love. It's something that has to be experienced before you fully realize its beauty.

I had an idea of its power when I was younger. I said,  "It's over used, it's too powerful to be tossed around so sparingly." And I would get angry at people who said, "I love so-and-such"

Is it too valuable to cheapen with improper use? Should it be used to describe the feelings you have for, Action Bubble's scum-scrubbin-bubble solution?

Personally, I feel that there shouldn't even be a word to encapsulate such a broad term. But, if love doesn't exist, what does?

Powerful Scene

I'm currently watching The Darjeeling Limited. And one scene just fucks me up every time I see it.

They are all in the airport waiting for their plane to go home. They all walk into the bathroom to shave, clean up, etc. As they all group up to the mirror, the camera looks at their faces.

As Owen Wilson's character starts to cut off the bandages of his head wounds, the two brothers suddenly stop what their doing, and focus on his face. One with a half shaved face, the other just looking into the mirror's reflection.

Their back and forth:
"I guess I still have a little more healing to do."
"You're getting there, though"
"Anyway, it's definitely gonna add a lot of character to you."

FUCK!

All hail the robot overlords.

It's amazing to me of how much of my adolescence was a blur. Oh sure, I learned a few things. Don't do this, don't do that. Know your limits, understand what's said to you the first (couple) times, Hygiene is your best friend, science doesn't (for the time) hold all the answers, etc, etc.

Looking back at the past 10 years, half of my life, very few things stand out. Even fewer make me happy; Melina, stupid shit with my family and friends.

Looking at the details, I learned, relearned, then learned that what I just learned, at times, is completely wrong (or at least partially).

Still, I probably wouldn't make any changes to what I did. Because of my natural need to understand and wonder and laugh, I genuinely like the person I am.

Oh sure, I tend to have my moments of pessimism and downright depression. But how many people don't? How many people let that shit take over and screw them on a daily basis? Hopefully more than I think.

Right now I feel like everything I've learned to this point makes sense, everything I've come to understand and connect as logically as I could makes sense.

If you ask me what it all means, I couldn't tell you in a single sentence, I'd probably never would be able to tell you, just somehow, some way, you'd just have to understand. You'd have to understand, at least, that there is no definitive answer, and that the conversation would never end. The amazement and wonder, the learning and understanding, the ohhhhh and ahhhhh, the observation and association is never subsiding. Because some of the best stuff doesn't make sense.

 

Recently, I spoke with a friend.
She sent me a txt asking for MY opinion on a short blurb on happiness.
As much as I tried to make a logical argument in 140 characters or less, I couldn't.
As much as I tried not to say something, amazingly lighthearted or amazingly pessimistic, I couldn't.
As much as I tried to let my emotions flow, I couldn't
As much as I tried to let me say, "Happiness is easy to figure out, your heart knows what REALLY makes you happy." I couldn't

Probably, because I haven't been happy in (what seems to be) such a long time.

Probably, because happiness is as fucking non-complicated as love is. And we all know how easy it is to understand any of those human things.

All hail the robot overlords.

[I'm an idiot for not saving the txt. My phone was pissing me off because it kept saying that I had an unread message. But NOOOOOO, I just had to be OCD and make sure the little envelope icon was clear before I went back to work. So I deleted all of my texts. FUCK YOU crappily programmed phone!]

 

[[THEN, she say's I probably didn't understand what she meant! No one tells me I can't understand something as uncomplicated as happiness/girl emotions! *shakes fist* (-: ]] <<<LOOKS LIKE A HAT!

Comment from a Student

So, we were having a nice little lunch. My Mom + Dad, Sister, and me. My sister kept saying, "So, when are you going to shave and cut your hair," and so on. I kept making lame excesses, but never really had an answer better than, in Homer Simpson fame, "O-ummm-oomm?" [I don't know sound].

Anyway, my dad finally had enough of our childish banter, and said, "He's depressed." 

This comment gave me chills, I laughed in nervousness, hoping that I really wasn't, hoping that he doesn't read my blog. Most importantly, hoping it wasn't true.

"Well, mildly depressed." He said. "Mildly depressed people often do things like that, to be avoided. It's in my psychology book."

We laughed, and smiled.

To my sister and me It was apparent, I am mildly depressed.

That's fucked up.

Now I really want to go cut and shave.

Making the links...

I have nothing for this post. The title says it all. I'm just making links. The chain get's so long, that at some point it takes over the horizon, it takes over the ground and the clouds too. Then you notice that everything is connected.

That's it.

The Loser.

(I sent this to Melina late one night. After hanging out with friends and realizing that some girls are bitches, but Melina never was, and I hope she never will be.)

 

I think that's why we got along.
IT was because you understood the "Loser". And if you didn't you'd try and figure it out.
But how could you do it? Was it that you too were a loser?
No, she's too beautiful/classy for that.
Then what was it?
She knew how to feel. She knew every feeling. But most, even if she didn't understand it completely, she loved. Harshly.
But, what if all she thought was torn away?
"Fuck it" is all she said.

At least that's what I saw. And I liked that she knew when I'm getting into it, too far into it.
And she'd say.
"I love you, but take a break and be mine for a while"
And that's what I'd do.
She understood the "Loser"

LOL!
I didn't what to trip you out.
I hope you're living well and happy.
I hope you've found what's been missing.
I hope you're doing exactly what makes you happy and elated.
I hope you don't take this in bad nature.
I hope you don't realize I'm a terrible person.
I hope you didn't leave me for someone else.
I hope you will still be, for the time at least, be my friend.

(-:

[txt me when you see this, txt me lies and say you understood. also, text me if it's cool if I blog this.]

The Jig is up.

I've been a little off recently. I've been going around, searching for answers. I've been feeling like there is nothing. I've been talking to some friends, co-workers, people I barely know, and others I respect. Just trying to find something, I'm not even sure wtf I was doing, so fuck it.

The thing is, any time I went out and learned, I kept thinking I didn't know what was wrong. Really, I still don't want to admit it, mainly because it still hurts, and I'll be all bitter about it.

But knowing all of that, I can see that it's sitting on a foundation. A foundation of need. My deep need for being. It's kind of the essence of "A life without purpose is not a life worth living". But, at the same time, why can't we just live?

Fuck it, I want a fast car.

Mobile...

I read a quote today about happiness that pretty much summed up the way I want to feel right now. It basically said that if we look for happiness, it would come later than if we just live life. I wish I could say that's how I am living, but I guess having the happiness ripped out, knowing what made you happy. Knowing you wont get the chance to get it back until you've completely changed. Then trying to fix that emptiness that is now left. Trying your hardest to keep going and trying to understand, why.

i feel repetitive, I also feel something is missing. It's not obvious what it is, but something in ME is missing.

I guess the moral here is to keep living.

Maybe something will sick.

[this post was typed on my cell phone because my iPod is broken and i need to keep busy during lunch so people wont think I'm a loser that sits by himself eating happy meals and stares at the trashcan]

 

Here's the quote!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
-Aldous Huxley

Something's a muck.

I don't feel good. It's like something is missing. I try to make myself understand, but maybe trying is just pushing it away. I always try not to force things, but, wtf. I do I NEED to know what is really going to happen? DO I need to understand? AHHHH!!! I guess I'll just go as fast as I can, to where it all becomes blurred and you stick to the big picture.

But I won't do that, that's not something I want to do. I want to enjoy the journey and be able to understand thoroughly, exactly what I already deduced from living, love is all we need.

Love, laughter, hope, and passion. Nothing is better than that.

 

PS.

Sex & the City Movie, a few things I'll rave...

1. Wholeheartedly enjoyed it.
2. Miranda is a bitch, but I need it.
3. Only the ugly girls laughed when she pooed her pants. That made me laugh.
4. "I just want you" - I've said it plenty of times.
5. "WTF am I doing" - I've said it plenty of times.
6. I hate that I knew that somehow, all of those relationships partially mirrored my own.
7. I was happy everyday.

Explanation to the Simple.

And realizing that deciphering any ill gotten memories, then being able to portray that information, upon themselves, the self actualized will emerge.

Then being able to make that into a song will bring them millions of dollars.

Then interpreting that same emotion will make them famous.

And taking that fame, and doing more illness. And figuring it out, that you're a gateway to plausibility.

[okay, plausibility is a bad word to use, you get your own.]

My writing

There's a point when I have an epiphany to write. I'm always in constant dialogue with myself. More often than not, though, when I write, I write in a sort of prepackaged-edited way.

The thing is, I often times have a great epiphany to write, I have it all set out, then when the finger meets the keys, they start to fade away. All the thoughts and structure all goes away. I try to type as fast as I can, but I can only reach a few ideas and writing about the crumbs, not the cookie. I manage to vaguely talk about one subject/idea that I had cooked up.

It all disappears, kind of how when you wake up from a dream, you rush to recap, then it slowly fades.

It all disappears, you expect the best, try to call out the future, then it all crumbles away.

The thing is, when I do manage to put the exact copy from my brain on to the table, it's not organized or as elegant as it seemed.

story of my life.

I love and stuff.

Even during the best of highs, the lowest of the low.

Love the one that may meet you half-way, the one that even if the chick from whoresville-that-you-wouldn't-mind-doing was down. And while avoiding all temptation AND hope. You can't stop but to wonder. Because knowing she's not there makes it all go away. You realize you still love her. The way you did from ultimate beginning and end.

 

Poetry slam, you're mine.

Trying something new.

1ad, this is the tag on my flickr profile... www.flickr.com/photos/kumaku

that's the tag for the shots that I take for my little personal project. It came to me in a dream almost. It was one of those dreams when all you do is talk. I remember hearing, "You can practically save your entire life in pictures now." So I got an idea to take a picture of something for that day. Being no professional photographer, it will serve as a visual timeline for me.

I'm still feeling wierd about melina, I still have dreams when I wake up hoping she is there still. I still wake up knowing nothing I can do will change much, all I want though is to be able to get up and run. Run for the sake of running, running for a purpose, to find some place where I can just be.

So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to run. Run or cycle.

 

Recently too, I've been driving, walking, bicycling, running faster than normal. I don't want to know how it relates, but fuck it, I'll figure it out later/eventually.

Guess who's back.

All the while, I kind of hoped that when she came back from the boat ride, she'd come back to me. The rational side of me said that wasn't going to happen, but my heart kept the mood in check by believing it. Still they fought for complete dominance. I knew deep inside there was nothing I could do, I knew that being good wasn't going to bring her back. I know that's not the reason. All I know is that's why I have to keep moving. It's just hard to face reality sometimes, but I have to look at it, straight in the eye. It has to be done.

It's funny, I had that hope, that Hollywood hope. You know, that type that tells you that everything is going to turn out like in the movies. She goes off on her own, finds something, then comes back to you after discovering that you weren't in shambles and realizing that she'd made a big mistake... dun, dun, DUUUUN!

But that's not going to happen, this is life, it's now, it hurts, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.

Quite honestly, I wish she was still with me. Quite honestly I know I am a fool for still believing in magic, quite honestly I don't give a damn. I just have to keep looking forward.

It sucks.

Not looking for it.

Damn, that's all I can say. I was peaking into the saved pictures on my old memory card. My nephew and niece are cute, especially a year ago, almost to the day. It's funny to see these pictures, fun to see them grow up in pictures. What I didn't expect was, and in so dramatic vein, a picture of her and me. It was happy, fun, and the time stamp was June 3rd. Just one year ago, almost to the day.

Looking and our pictures, we had fun. It's hard to let them go. You can tell in our smiles, we were in love. We were going to be together for a while. I still look at my favorite picture of us, it makes me smile and break apart all  at once.

I just hope she knows I did have a great time.

If you want to be happy...

..For the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. In my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Well, at least a decent one. Not the pretty one that you had once and can't get out of your head.

I think that's what I need. A pretty girl with an ugly girls' personality. Or maybe an ugly girl with a nice rack. Either one is a-o-kay.

Well, it's official, little girls don't like me.
"Mommy, who's that?" [aww, my coworker's daughter takes interest in what mommy does.]

"That's Carlos." [so mommy says]

"Oh" [....and, you might be, cute little girl?]

"I don't LIKE Carlos" [WTF! WTF little girl?!, who said you were so awesome, well, you are sporting that lovely pink sweater]

(I make a degrading joke and go back to work with tears in my eyes)

But seriously. If I didn't have such a good sense of humour I'd be in shambles and expecting an apology and maybe a card, and those really big smarties.

Going to the gym is a huge obstacle every day, always that burden for me, but I know I have to go, it makes me happy when I go. I need to get a calendar or something so I can do something after, I feel if I cross out each day it will go faster somehow.

 

I just dialed Melina's number by mistake/habit. After doing so, I didn't feel like crying or anything. I guess I'm slowly, slowly, slowly "getting over" it. Though, I know this will ultimately haunt me, and will never leave me. But at least I won't be fazed when I see her driving or something. I'm better than that.

Being stupid

One of my favorite pastimes has always been Being Stupid. Wether it's intentional or 'foar the hoard!'

It has followed me from my youth. Playing stupid when sitting in class, pretending to listen and learn stuff I already knew. Being stupid not realizing that getting chicks is much more than about "being that quiet, intelligent, oh-so-mysterious guy in the corner". Playing stupid to get out of trouble. Not realizing my words can have a deeper understanding to most people. Realizing, that some people ARE dumb enough to believe my stupidity. Stupidly assuming people are smarter/dumber than they seam. Stupidly realizing that I probably shouldn't fight fire with fire.

Stupid about my health.

Stupid about my grades.

Stupid about my relationship(s)

But, in all of this, I really have no regrets. I've been torn apart, beaten up, and layed to waste. My mind says to give up and go get some eggo's, but my heart. My heart, sometimes, confused with my mind, it says to keep doing what I'm doing, live the adventure, and hope that anyone I meet will be happy.

I have everything I need. All I want is someone who is willing to be stupid with me.

Dinosaur Comics

I've been going through the Dinosaur Comics all day now. Their funny. I don't think they should be read through like this though. There's something about them I like, I guess it's the fact that they remind me of Jesus's comics when we were in pre-cal. Funny stuff.

http://www.qwantz.com/

 

I saw Prince Caspian, good stuff. I started laughing late in the movie at something that wasn't supposed to be funny. "Common" that's all Einjo said.

For some reason, every time I go to the movies I expect to find Melina there. I still want her to be mine, I still love her. Hopefully I won't look like a bitch when we talk tomorrow.

I'm sore as hell.

After work.

After work I reach for my pocket, unlock my phone, and dial.

5. That was her speed dial. All that comes to mind, "Fuck, now what?" I got bummed out.

...

Change, it's amazing.

Just browsing through my bookmarks. I ran accross this,
http://www.vimeo.com/451895

It's amazing, so much change, but there are things that stay the same. It's inspiring.

 

I just wish I could take it in stride. You know, not expect that every call or text was from her. Just have everything, ever not be connected to her in some way. It's a bit execcive and it depresses me, not enough to make me so sad anymore, but you know. It bothers me, it makes me feel uneasy. It makes me feel like it was abrupt and almost not worth it.

On the 22nd I'll have lunch with her, I want it to be fun and carefree. I want to talk about stuff, anything. I still love her, but I have to move on and remember all of the good stuff.

Getting it all out.

Because tomorrow is another day.

I always told myself it wouldn't hurt this badly. I never expected it to hurt this badly. It's kind of when you get a shot, you expect the pain, you expect it to swell then go away. But when you finally get pumped with the medicine, it hurts more than you could imagine, but you just have to give a good face and not look like a bitch in front of the cute phlebotomist.

so why did I post such emo things? Well, it's because it meant more to me than anything else, EVER. I decided to make them public, so I can have a timeline, to show me later that I do have a soul. That I can love passionately, with conviction, and selflessly.

Today is a new day. I've always tried to live life a day at a time. I still am, I just feel I have no direction.

I still love her. I still want her. I still need her. But she's gone. I can accept that. We talked, she promised me it wasn't my fault and that any decision she'd make it would be by her own self doing. I'm never going to believe that, I know I could have done better, I just don't know how. But now she's gone, all I can hope for is that she'll be happy.

Please, everyone, be happy.

T-T-Translation.

I felt sadness when I realized that it wasn't a dream.
That it was true that you had left my life forever.
Realities woke me up and it was the death of my joy and my illusions of not losing you.
It's no reason why I felt the tired feeling of your kiss. 
I asked if you still loved me,
and with silence, you answered my question.
If the truth is so divine, why did you lie?

I did everything possible so that one day you would love me the way I needed.
Alas, in the end of things,  my love you had, and with a tiny bit of your love, I would have settled for.
And you never even gave me a goodbye when you left, and still I thought it was a dream.
I woke me to my realities and it was my painful death. And your absence was, for my existence, the cruelest poison.

I've never thought she was a Bitch.

"Don't worry I was probably one of her stupid friends"

I just saw something I probably was never meant to see. Now it seems all hope is lost. Bad timing I guess. )-';

[full size: http://flickr.com/photos/kumaku/2495870210/sizes/l/ ]

Earlier I had been talking about how my stomach stopped turning when I saw her picture, saw her name, said her name, or even thought about her. I was starting to make the distinction from my hellish sleep these past two nights, and the real world that I live in. But, as I drove to Circuit City, I didn't expect this.

These past two nights have been rough. I wake up in the middle of the night. I lay there, looking at the ceiling, wondering if everything we once had is "officially" done. My dreams are full of stuff I had never been prepared for. Stuff she said would never happen. I wake up and realize I'm alone.

What makes me depressed is that, I was right. I knew this would happen, for her and for her friends it would be a day of relief and freedom. For me it's a day of anxiety and reprise.

Such contradicting realities. One joyous rebirth, another a morose bereavement.

Just yesterday, my brother said, "When it rains, it pours."

But don't think twice. It's alright.

It just get's tighter. Kind of like when you're hyperventilating but you just can't calm that rush of adrenaline that piles up right at your sternum. Now it just hurts, eventually though. It will strengthen, just become a tightened mass, nothing being able to penetrate or damage it.

So far, it's been rough. They say the first 3 days are the hardest when you quit anything. It feels as if time stops. Every second that passes, it gets exponentially further. No hope for it to come back.(depending on who you are it can be good or bad)

Every second, I can remember something. A moment, it flashes. It's never anything bad, just random. A hug here, a blank stare, a hair, a white hair, the bear on the bed, ahead in the lunch line. Near the lane, a song in my ear, the subtle fear during a movie. Her face at night, while we talked. While she talked. Listening, wanting, leading, learning, fearing, smiling, laughing, walking. Everything.

I hope it's not like I am picturing it, I would be sad.

I don't know.

While I read the newspaper during my Monday morning routine, the white starts to disappear and the text in front of me starts floating away. I'm just looking at them, none of it really matters at this point. My heart is calling me, telling me to wake up and get loves defibrillator. I can't though. I don't know where to find one, I'm now at a loss.

Knowing, knowing, KNOWING. Knowing you never had any of it. It breaks it. The thing is, I called it out. I said it. Word by word, action by action. In detail, at least once and in general terms, countless. I guess that's why my eyes are only puffy and I'm not in complete shambles.

So, when do I manage to keep living? I think I've already started. Maybe I started a few months ago, I don't know.

I'm calm and collected. Only, there is this tension I can't get rid of, my chest feels tight and I'm having trouble concentrating. Not because I am distraught of knowing the outcome. But, because I don't know.

Every time I breath out, I can feel it. I just won't know until.

Jealousy: A new frontier

This weekend my girlfriend went to a Kanye West concert in Albuquerque. I miss her, I wish she wasn't far away, but she's with her parents, brother, and a friend. I guess it's a normal feeling. This helped me realize something, something that has been stowed away deep in my intimate emotions I have towards Melina. I'm jealous of her fantasies, mainly because she, somehow meets all of mine.

I won't say that I haven't fallen in lust with various... countless... movie actresses and other women, but any time I do think about that, I always count my blessings and realize I have a companion that can't be beat.

For the past two and a half years I've done this.

I'm not the jealous type, I really don't care if she talks to guys, goes to party with her friends, or if she says, "This guy hit on me today and he was really funny, charming, and good looking." (Okay, she's never said that, exactly) None of it really bothers me, I know the game, If the bitch don't have a ring, she's available. But I trust her, she trusts me, and we're happy.

Lately, I've come to notice that she is particularly weak against certain, physical and personal attributes in the opposite sex. It started with a comment, in laymans terms it was, "I like black guys." TO ME, it sounded like, "I'm going to ditch your fat-ass for a black guy". I don't know why, it's not that I'm racist or prejudice, or have anything against black guys, but the fact that MY girlfriend is into a certain group of adult males, it struck a nerve. At that point I felt vulnerable, I mean, black guys are good looking. So like any other guy, I just put up a tough guy attitude, laughed it off, and let it claw at me from the inside.

Then, the rain came. It started to go into detail.

"(Some singer/actor/deuchebag that I've never heard of) is so sexy"

"OMG, freekin' sexy voice"

"He is so sexy I'd marry him"

"When I marry sexy (insert famous black guy)..."

 

Then, she twittered:

"Oh my god Pharrel williams is fckn sexy as hell!!! Ay!!! I'll

give him a lap dance for free even though i cant do that shit..."

WTF! I want to be sexy too! [I'm cracking up, writing this, you know, to offset the tears]

It's not like she's never told me that another actor is good looking. But, the fact that I have no idea who the hell she's referring to, makes me uneasy, it brings that human aspect to them. Like she's going to go see them and do something. It doesn't help that it's just about looks. It's never, "I think he is a great guy and I want to have lunch with him and talk about subjects that affect us emotionally." I take that back, THAT would completely demoralize me. ):

Good night.

[The thing is that I know Melina CAN get good looking guys, and CAN be a flirt. Then, when you compare me to the caliber of people she can attract. Add on top that she has particular tastes. Also note that I'm not exactly the most attractive/smooth cereal/cool person out there. Then add that this feeling does demoralize, weaken, and saddens me....]

 

I'm sad now.

Taking it hard like I knew I would.

I've been having a lot of trouble just sitting down and listening. Listening to anything. Listening to TV, music, or people. It's not that I can't focus, I just can't pay attention knowing that there are so many things that have to be solved. I'm not at peace. I want to say it's because there is something wrong in my life, or that the stress of school (and success..) is hatching away at me. But it's not any of that.

I'm at a loss, a stump.

It's hard to figure it out. It's not my music choice. It's not the compassion of others. It's not the way people are drawn away from me. It's not unwittingly losing 3hrs of sleep a night due to an increased metabolism after strenuous exercise. And it's definitely not a burn out. It's because I'm a whinny bitch that needs to just to my thing.

I want to do the poetry contest, I think it already passed, but I still want to write a poem. A poem about anything. So watch out for my less than appalling poetry that might spring up on twitter or here.

I like spring weather.

About me:

I have a silly mind, people don't like me sometimes because I tend to find humour in life.

I've laughed at a funeral,
I've laughed at a clown crying,
I've laughed at a kid crying.
I laugh when people fall,
I laugh when people notice,
I laugh when I get nervous,
I laugh when I get sad,
I laugh when I am thinking.
I laugh at people laughing,
I laugh at most anything.
But most of all,
I laugh at myself (-:

Also, I tend to record my life on the internet, both in the moment and recapped in time.
That way people will see what a moron I am before they approach me IRL.
www.twitter.com/kumaku
www.kumaku.blogspot.com

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Being Alone is Not Loneliness

I wish The Beatles were a bit more morose with some of their songs, wtf is it that you can wish all of it was true, only you can't understand why there would even be question that he was actually falling and not under some weird narcotic?

Music, I've been listening to much of it, and I know I'm going to sound dull and repetitive but it's true, it's what makes the soul cry out and realize it is still living in a person that CAN do anything they want and WONT do it because of fear, lack of passion, heavy breathing, smelling funny, and thinking somber thoughts. I think it tries to come out of your chest, right to the left of the heart. THANK GOD for my sternum...

I wish when people did something that they think will help them, they didn't publicly admit that they are trying hard to keep it in and that they should have a toffee for doing so.

I'm done, the lights are on and Sad But True just started playing on my iPod.

Feeling Emo, Not in a Gay Way

there needs something to be said about that "girl you met in the kitchen" the one that understands wtf you're talking about after a deadly cocktail of medicine, booze, and good times(?) She is the one that said it best when you brought up childhood and chilly.

When do you get to meet this girl again, why are you oddly drawn to her, it couldn't be anything physical. Certainly NOT anything emotional. (maybe) But why is she still existing in your head, my guess is that it's relative to what has been happening for a long time now, something you don't want to admit and certainly not anything that can lead to even more confusion [I think it is confusion] and definately not anything that can rock the foundation.

Limitless possibilities and gentle agony are all she's worth. Only, if you were to go back to that same time, by going back and I don't know, recording it, would it be something that you could have predicted or something that you have to admit to yourself and others *cough* voices in my head *cough* that maybe it is worth it to live in the confusing posibilities that is life and that one person is the one who can possibly organize and fuse to the, by then, self-limiting potential of someone who CAN understand.

Know what I mean?

Wal-Mart

Working at wal-mart has shown me that people can find ANY reason to complain. The air smells like fabric softener, "Can you make it stop?" sure thing miss, i'll just gather up all the atoms of fucking softener that have been released.

and another thing, wtf, am i really that sad and ugly? FUCK! at least one i should have. never shall i go out and make it a reallity,
I wonder what her last name was, we were getting along so well, ha! it's a sign.


Hopefully the sober me will give some sorta answers on most of this. I hate the truth.

but really, wtf is it?

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky
Originally uploaded by kumaku

I found this ridiculicius treat at my local Big 8, VERRY local