35th Post

Post 35, plain and true
[i originally started this post at 2:07am the 23th, i stopped because i got distracted reading some other stuff]
Tonight i had a small conversation with my friend Floyd. Hes cool the conversation started like this, earlyer he told me he was becomin insomiac....

Kumaku CN: the only thing u got comin from it is headache, a strong dislike of shows; vip, tx walker ranger, judge(insert dumnass judge name, also with insomnia ull start to watch shows; ET, Access hollywood, and every paid program in spanish, with insomnia also ensues hilarity with the late show with connan obrien, but insomnia also helps to try and figure out stuff, sometimes it will get so quiet, the only loud remarks are made in ur brain, and to solve them you will spend ur time writing journals, old memories, and reading books on phylosophy
Kumaku CN: do u really want to live that lifestyle?
Kumaku CN: oh dont forget the infactuation that will come with the show host of "life and style" joules asner
Kumaku CN: so i suggest u get some rest
Floyd [Not his real screen name u fools]: hehe, dude are u high?

From here we got into a sorta deep conversation. yea, i donno how that happend, it just did. I need to talk to some people, mabe that is why i am feelin different, lets see what happens. Yea i need to talk to alot of people acctually. I just need to be less of a pussy and just do it, gotta take it easy....hahhaahahasdpoasd kj;lk ajwe;lkj 4[erij apohn/ .

Im goin nuts...!!!!
By, buy, bi-, bye

34th Post

I dont give a fuck anymore.
No im not going to kill myself u ingrate. I just dont care about some stuff anymore.what's done is done, thats it. If there is a way to fix shit i would be 50-50 on it. some of this stuff was just too much to care about, and it lead nowhere, so fuck it. Now, im not saying if some stuff would change i wouldnt care, but for the time being, i just dropped it. So fuck it. If stuff would change, i would gather the peices and take it a step at a time. I guess i stoped caring because im too confused, all this crazyness just got me bored. i was goin in circles, and i couldnt gather information this whole time, it was just pointless to keep woring about it. Now i have droped it on the ground, NEER ME. It's not compleatly over. but i am just droping it for the time being, and when i do pick it up, i surely wont treat it the same.

On to further buisness,
my grandma is sick. I went to juarez to visit her, man, Mexico has the right idea. They have everything, roads that lead to nowhere, stop signs for U-Turns. People doin acid in the bathroom, dog's with no leash, kids with leashes, yep they got it goin on. I mean, i walk into to hospital on the door it says clearly, "NO ALIMENTO" and right under "NO NIñOS" (so i cant get the capital ñ, fuck off). So i walk in thinking this place would kick ass, it says no kids. I walk in, little kids walkin around, fuck. But about 3 of them are gettin yelled at and another one was crying, so it made up for it. In the corner there is a candy machine. Mexico likes to stick it to the man. Some of my family is waiting for us, i say hi, i go to the bathroom. There is a guy normal lookin, until i see his spoon, i leave. I'm waiting for them to admit us to see my grandma. Im entertained by my cousins 2 little girls, they are so cute, their hands are small enough to get peppomints and gum. Score. So my dad calls me to go into the other side where all the patients are at. He tells me to hold this water bottle. hmm...So we pass the receptionist, he goes up to the "guard" (this guy, he is just sitting there lookin at people pass by makin sure they have either, a green slip or something to give to a patient) he tryes to stop me, i just point he lets me go. We turn the corner, i see a plaza lined with hospital beds, IV drips, and some blood on patients, meh at least it doesnt smell like a nursing home. I say hi to my grandma, it gets awkward because neither her or i know wat to say, i leave, my dad stops me and asks me to leave the water bottle. So im back in the waiting room, i start to day dream and i look outside, the only thing that i get reminded of is some of the footage from Iraq. I mean there is everything from this long window that you would see in Baghdad. You got ur helicopter, desert, street corner, abandoned building, green taxi, poor guy, injured guy, hospital van. All you need is the soldiers and AK-47 on kids. I see this scenerio, snipers on roofs, soldiers in humvees drivin around on patrol with M1A1's at their sides. Hooah! or CommoRadio 0 9 for u AAO people ;) . i wish more people knew what Hooah ment, because, i know for a fact taht i look like a dumnass when i say it at school.

This is where i say goodbye,
Good Bye

(hehehehe, im leet)

33rd Post

...She packed my bags last night preflight
Yea this week sucks so much that i have to post in the middle of the week. first, i have Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" in my head, fuck i just said a lyric to the song. Damn him for making his catchy music. yea, this week sucked. My life has been sucking for a while.....at least socialy it has. Why does it bother me??? I guess cause im in highschool. I am a statistic. fuck, im ashamed for caring so much. On Saturday the 8th i talked to a friend, 7:45:06-7:49:25 it's amazing how gulible i am. less than 5 minutes weeks of confusion went away and in came a strange state of calmness. but that went away today, it took about 5 seconds. It was like when a match is struck and is thrown into a pile of TNT, at midflight you are pretty sure what is going to happen but u deny it. All the fucking steps happen, from denial to acceptance, this is what happens in less than a blink of an eye:
Stage One—shock, denial, numbness
Stage Two—fear, anger, depression
Stage Three—understanding, acceptance, moving on
Then, the match strikes....KABOOOOOM!!!!!!! your spread all over the wall. All my thoughts are back out and im at square one, but at least i hit stage 3. but do i want to move on with all this baggage still lingering about. ill give it a week, then the train will leave i have to stop doing this to myself. Also today i was called a liar. i hate that, i mean, i fucking lie, but if u catch me i fucking come out and say it. ill deny it, but ill crack that instant and spew out what was i hiding, and the reasons behind my lie. most of the time its just to cover up a friend or to cover somethng pointless. But even if i do lie for something HUGE, it is a good reason that would take pages of text to explain why. fuck i dont like to lie, mainly because i have nothin to hide, nothin to lose. even if i do have something big to lose or gain, it is too much on my concience, so ill just say it. I am not a crook.

This week i found out i cannot set a fucking clock, see, on tuesday i found a small alarm clock, i needed one since my brother took mine. So i set the clock. Next days i figure i shouldnt mention i have a new clock since it would be pointless. That night i am supposed to call someone at a certain time, i do but no answer....damn. i tryed 3 times, and sent a text message. Fuck, in the morning i wake up, fuck its 804 i take the fastest shower ever, fuck im late for science fair and i still need to print some shit out. I go to my computer, eating my breakfast, drying my hair, and brushing my teeth all at onece. AHH!!!! i look at the time.....it fucking says 730. my mom wakes up and makes fun of me....i feel like a dip, and i just blew my shot at a fonecall and conversation. The odd thing is that i saw the clock on the computer at night before i called one of the times. It said 1:05 on my computer, and 2:05 on my new clock. I want to screen myself to see if im becomeing dislecsic.

Thats all i have to say,
bye

32nd Post

Just call me Cap'n Crunch
When did i become this cursing salor pirate jerk guy?....wait, nevermind. I think i need to stop cussing so much, fuck, its fun to cuss, i mean what is so bad about it anyway? i just dont think it looks good i do it, but i do it so much its hard to stop. FUCK! Fuck the perfect word, a verb, adjetive, a noun, a pronoun, a term used for EVERY part of the english language. But i say nay to thee, i need to stop. I mean you would think i would of learned my leason a while ago when we went to San Antonio (trip was archived, look for it, worth the read) But did i learn? No. but i need to stop cussing

This week sucked, i lost all my science fair results, but thanks to my ability to invent and cleanly make a point on the spot, i have until monday to turn in my project. Pwnage. Pie>Carlos>Chemistry. This week i have also been very stupid i guess, i cant seem to get a handle on myself, Im lost. But today it was fun. we went to the movies, to eat, and chilled for a while. but the one person i need to talk to i cant, because i just i dont know, i dont feel like its the right time during the times i see her. I like to be correct on my timing. Also this week i have been super distracted, more than usual. I hear my name being called, or people say hi, i just say hi but i never really see the person. Then i think i have compleately ignored some people compleately. I wound up realizing that more than onece this week i have seen people i know, it's not like they are in front of me, but they are close enough to make that second of eye contact to say hello, but i did not realize they were there. I am sorry.

Well that does it for me, the rest of this weekend i am blowing it on hoemwork. I hate school.

Good-bye, farewell, (2word phrase to say bye), buh-bye [it counts, now shove it]

31st Post

Back to square one.
Here i am again, i have to do a pile of homework but its the middle of the night and im updating this thing. Fuck im a loser. I have been looking through my archives and about 50% of them i start with saying "Fuck i have alot of homework". No wonder i have such low grades. But it was fun while it lasted. Right now i need to stop lookin back, and live in the present. Shit is not the same as it was 3months ago. Fuck. It sux now, i have no gf, no band, no friends, and no one to talk to....well mabe not that bad. But right now i need to find myself, be myself, and show myself.I am lost. I am kind of sad too. I dont want to give a fuck anymore, but i cant drop sertain things. FUCKYDY FUCK FUCK. See and the sad thing is that i know i will look back and say "fuck i was really over reacting at that age". That is insane. Mabe i am just thinkn about this way too much, or making everything too complicated, or taking everything to hard. I hate myself....so if i hate myself, i cant find myself is that it? Im not facing reality. That is the question. So now i will be clearing myself of everything, just fucking all the bullshit, then i will gather the facts on who i am, then just be myself. FUCK, why is it hard to clear my head!! I used to be able to do it so easily. I guess i need some closure, and time....

So today was the first day of school. Man i hate school, everthing is just a waste of time. I'm getting tired of everyone, but i havent talked to anyone. I am in a bad moood. School sucked, i found out i need to do my science project by tomorrow, but i lost all my results, i hope miss blow gives me an extention. Fuck i hate her, the bitch wont fucking give me the extention, first of all she hates me, secondly she knows i hate her, and lastly i know she didnt have a Happy vacation because the bitch has no family, all she has is a fucking picture of her decaying mother. Fuck chemistry. Fuck i hate myself right now, im taking all my anger out on the people who dont need it. I am fucking confused, and i hate it when i dont know how to solve something. Fuck im pissed at the world and not myself, why hate myself when its easyer to hate soemthing else? I need to solve some shit. Fuck im a lunatic

Lost since birth...ME

Buh bye.

30th Post

A new year, a new prespective.
Fuck, i need to go back to my humble roots. It's amazing what attention can do to ya. Just fucking not knowing what u want. And not knowing who you really are. It all leads to a big ball of fucked up shit that doesnt slow down, and keeps growing. Fuck, its the new year. A Happy New Year? Well ill just wait and see. But i can either be pro or agains it. I need to fucking be myself. Im just rambling on, some of this stuff doesnt make scence, but do i care? I dont know. I recently re-read some of my old posts....im dissapointed to see that i lost myself. It was apparent through my writing. Why didnt i see it coming? This year i need to fucking just fucking, fuck, be myself i guess. But first i would need to find who i trully am. Its something i have been wondering for years now. (no its not bs, i know what ur thinknin) but its just fucking shit i have to sort through. Fucking. why did i change? I dont like what i have become. It's time to pick up the peices and start again. Over the past months i have found out alot of shit about myself, some good some bad, but it is going to help to paint a picture of me. Then once i get a real feel for me, i can then tweek myself to become who i feel comfortable being. Fuck, i know it sounds like im talkn alot of shit, but fuck, i cant really xplain it anybetter. but now some changes are goin on, see, this blog was made to fucking help me find about me, not to archive every agonizing moment of my life, so from now on, untill i get back into my old writing habbits, there will no longer bee cool images, or fucking long pointless storys....well, not alot of pointless storys. Oh one last thing, compare an old story such as post 4 compared to 26. please tell me what is different, my style of writing chnaged alot. I need to write like me, not some college washout who managed to make a website interesting for a kid in highschool to find funny and "oh so true". so please...but fucking, dont flame too harshly. Well im done, fuck this.

Good Bye

29th Post

Ill fill this one in later, it involeves an AK-47, M-16, a funny hat, and snow. I want my 30th post to be the one i(OFFICIALLY) kick off the year with.