Comment from a Student

So, we were having a nice little lunch. My Mom + Dad, Sister, and me. My sister kept saying, "So, when are you going to shave and cut your hair," and so on. I kept making lame excesses, but never really had an answer better than, in Homer Simpson fame, "O-ummm-oomm?" [I don't know sound].

Anyway, my dad finally had enough of our childish banter, and said, "He's depressed." 

This comment gave me chills, I laughed in nervousness, hoping that I really wasn't, hoping that he doesn't read my blog. Most importantly, hoping it wasn't true.

"Well, mildly depressed." He said. "Mildly depressed people often do things like that, to be avoided. It's in my psychology book."

We laughed, and smiled.

To my sister and me It was apparent, I am mildly depressed.

That's fucked up.

Now I really want to go cut and shave.

Making the links...

I have nothing for this post. The title says it all. I'm just making links. The chain get's so long, that at some point it takes over the horizon, it takes over the ground and the clouds too. Then you notice that everything is connected.

That's it.

The Loser.

(I sent this to Melina late one night. After hanging out with friends and realizing that some girls are bitches, but Melina never was, and I hope she never will be.)

 

I think that's why we got along.
IT was because you understood the "Loser". And if you didn't you'd try and figure it out.
But how could you do it? Was it that you too were a loser?
No, she's too beautiful/classy for that.
Then what was it?
She knew how to feel. She knew every feeling. But most, even if she didn't understand it completely, she loved. Harshly.
But, what if all she thought was torn away?
"Fuck it" is all she said.

At least that's what I saw. And I liked that she knew when I'm getting into it, too far into it.
And she'd say.
"I love you, but take a break and be mine for a while"
And that's what I'd do.
She understood the "Loser"

LOL!
I didn't what to trip you out.
I hope you're living well and happy.
I hope you've found what's been missing.
I hope you're doing exactly what makes you happy and elated.
I hope you don't take this in bad nature.
I hope you don't realize I'm a terrible person.
I hope you didn't leave me for someone else.
I hope you will still be, for the time at least, be my friend.

(-:

[txt me when you see this, txt me lies and say you understood. also, text me if it's cool if I blog this.]

The Jig is up.

I've been a little off recently. I've been going around, searching for answers. I've been feeling like there is nothing. I've been talking to some friends, co-workers, people I barely know, and others I respect. Just trying to find something, I'm not even sure wtf I was doing, so fuck it.

The thing is, any time I went out and learned, I kept thinking I didn't know what was wrong. Really, I still don't want to admit it, mainly because it still hurts, and I'll be all bitter about it.

But knowing all of that, I can see that it's sitting on a foundation. A foundation of need. My deep need for being. It's kind of the essence of "A life without purpose is not a life worth living". But, at the same time, why can't we just live?

Fuck it, I want a fast car.

Mobile...

I read a quote today about happiness that pretty much summed up the way I want to feel right now. It basically said that if we look for happiness, it would come later than if we just live life. I wish I could say that's how I am living, but I guess having the happiness ripped out, knowing what made you happy. Knowing you wont get the chance to get it back until you've completely changed. Then trying to fix that emptiness that is now left. Trying your hardest to keep going and trying to understand, why.

i feel repetitive, I also feel something is missing. It's not obvious what it is, but something in ME is missing.

I guess the moral here is to keep living.

Maybe something will sick.

[this post was typed on my cell phone because my iPod is broken and i need to keep busy during lunch so people wont think I'm a loser that sits by himself eating happy meals and stares at the trashcan]

 

Here's the quote!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
-Aldous Huxley

Something's a muck.

I don't feel good. It's like something is missing. I try to make myself understand, but maybe trying is just pushing it away. I always try not to force things, but, wtf. I do I NEED to know what is really going to happen? DO I need to understand? AHHHH!!! I guess I'll just go as fast as I can, to where it all becomes blurred and you stick to the big picture.

But I won't do that, that's not something I want to do. I want to enjoy the journey and be able to understand thoroughly, exactly what I already deduced from living, love is all we need.

Love, laughter, hope, and passion. Nothing is better than that.

 

PS.

Sex & the City Movie, a few things I'll rave...

1. Wholeheartedly enjoyed it.
2. Miranda is a bitch, but I need it.
3. Only the ugly girls laughed when she pooed her pants. That made me laugh.
4. "I just want you" - I've said it plenty of times.
5. "WTF am I doing" - I've said it plenty of times.
6. I hate that I knew that somehow, all of those relationships partially mirrored my own.
7. I was happy everyday.

Explanation to the Simple.

And realizing that deciphering any ill gotten memories, then being able to portray that information, upon themselves, the self actualized will emerge.

Then being able to make that into a song will bring them millions of dollars.

Then interpreting that same emotion will make them famous.

And taking that fame, and doing more illness. And figuring it out, that you're a gateway to plausibility.

[okay, plausibility is a bad word to use, you get your own.]

My writing

There's a point when I have an epiphany to write. I'm always in constant dialogue with myself. More often than not, though, when I write, I write in a sort of prepackaged-edited way.

The thing is, I often times have a great epiphany to write, I have it all set out, then when the finger meets the keys, they start to fade away. All the thoughts and structure all goes away. I try to type as fast as I can, but I can only reach a few ideas and writing about the crumbs, not the cookie. I manage to vaguely talk about one subject/idea that I had cooked up.

It all disappears, kind of how when you wake up from a dream, you rush to recap, then it slowly fades.

It all disappears, you expect the best, try to call out the future, then it all crumbles away.

The thing is, when I do manage to put the exact copy from my brain on to the table, it's not organized or as elegant as it seemed.

story of my life.

I love and stuff.

Even during the best of highs, the lowest of the low.

Love the one that may meet you half-way, the one that even if the chick from whoresville-that-you-wouldn't-mind-doing was down. And while avoiding all temptation AND hope. You can't stop but to wonder. Because knowing she's not there makes it all go away. You realize you still love her. The way you did from ultimate beginning and end.

 

Poetry slam, you're mine.

Trying something new.

1ad, this is the tag on my flickr profile... www.flickr.com/photos/kumaku

that's the tag for the shots that I take for my little personal project. It came to me in a dream almost. It was one of those dreams when all you do is talk. I remember hearing, "You can practically save your entire life in pictures now." So I got an idea to take a picture of something for that day. Being no professional photographer, it will serve as a visual timeline for me.

I'm still feeling wierd about melina, I still have dreams when I wake up hoping she is there still. I still wake up knowing nothing I can do will change much, all I want though is to be able to get up and run. Run for the sake of running, running for a purpose, to find some place where I can just be.

So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to run. Run or cycle.

 

Recently too, I've been driving, walking, bicycling, running faster than normal. I don't want to know how it relates, but fuck it, I'll figure it out later/eventually.

Guess who's back.

All the while, I kind of hoped that when she came back from the boat ride, she'd come back to me. The rational side of me said that wasn't going to happen, but my heart kept the mood in check by believing it. Still they fought for complete dominance. I knew deep inside there was nothing I could do, I knew that being good wasn't going to bring her back. I know that's not the reason. All I know is that's why I have to keep moving. It's just hard to face reality sometimes, but I have to look at it, straight in the eye. It has to be done.

It's funny, I had that hope, that Hollywood hope. You know, that type that tells you that everything is going to turn out like in the movies. She goes off on her own, finds something, then comes back to you after discovering that you weren't in shambles and realizing that she'd made a big mistake... dun, dun, DUUUUN!

But that's not going to happen, this is life, it's now, it hurts, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.

Quite honestly, I wish she was still with me. Quite honestly I know I am a fool for still believing in magic, quite honestly I don't give a damn. I just have to keep looking forward.

It sucks.