Trying to be happy...

Fuck, if there was a better time for time to just fly by, it's now. I want school to start, I need something to keep me productive and stop with all of this self pity and over analyzing and over thinking and over and over and over and over! Enough!

The think is, I got a text, a simple text asking for my career advice. I couldn't just wave it off, I had to respond. I had to make myself seem cool and collected. But every time I was called, a strike to my gut. Every time she said my name, a blow to my heart. I got depressed that night.

But, thanks to a great friend, we challenged ourselves to get something out of our problems. To do something and stop with the worry. As we poured our hearts out, I knew that I wasn't alone. She wasn't me, I wasn't her, and that time WILL help.

As I told others of my sorrowing experience. Everyone said the same thing as my friend, angrily and hastily, "WHY?! Hasn't she done enough?" "Maybe she's not over it either. The only reason she made contact is because she's afraid she might have made a mistake."

And yeah, typically that's what would happen. But, I don't want to think that, I have to keep my guard up, I can't let the shred of hope and probability be my salvation. That's no anchor and it wont fly IRL. But, I did learn that I have awesome friends around me.

The only way I can do these things is just to avoid it all together, there's reason to my madness. I just don't want this to be, "Well, dude, maybe you're the one that's fucking scared and blah blah blah, and you're the one that can't get over it and blah blah blah." "And the anchor is just you being a bitch."

STFU. It's not that simple. I HAVE faced my problems, I HAVE found a reasonable solution, this just 'dropped me down a peg'. I was doing so well, Living my life, having a great time. I didn't need this. Not now. I didn't ask for this.

[the thing is, I already started doing this, that same night as I talked to my friend, I was already feeling better, I was already wanting to keep going where I was. This is just a manifestation of thoughts finally brought to the attention of my life's timeline.]

Carlos on love.

LOVE, I've spoken, written, and lived it.

Recently I saw a TED talk on love. Helen Fisher's presentation on love. http://blog.ted.com/2008/07/the_brain_in_lo.php

It blows my mind. Love that is. The thing about the whole presentation it gave a feeling that I, like so many others, already knew this. Us who have loved, we knew it all. But someone putting all of this into a scientific work, that's all I needed to know. I needed to know that it IS normal to feel like this. It's not just my ability to get.... crazy. It's not just me.

Looking at all of the facts and stuff. I am glad I love, I am happy to have understood that feeling, that instinctive-primal-disorienting-incomprehensible-yet-universal feeling. I love love.

I used to say that one of the most important and powerful words that I hated using, was love. It was because I didn't fully understand that no one really understands, and I will never be able to completely explain love. It's something that has to be experienced before you fully realize its beauty.

I had an idea of its power when I was younger. I said,  "It's over used, it's too powerful to be tossed around so sparingly." And I would get angry at people who said, "I love so-and-such"

Is it too valuable to cheapen with improper use? Should it be used to describe the feelings you have for, Action Bubble's scum-scrubbin-bubble solution?

Personally, I feel that there shouldn't even be a word to encapsulate such a broad term. But, if love doesn't exist, what does?

Powerful Scene

I'm currently watching The Darjeeling Limited. And one scene just fucks me up every time I see it.

They are all in the airport waiting for their plane to go home. They all walk into the bathroom to shave, clean up, etc. As they all group up to the mirror, the camera looks at their faces.

As Owen Wilson's character starts to cut off the bandages of his head wounds, the two brothers suddenly stop what their doing, and focus on his face. One with a half shaved face, the other just looking into the mirror's reflection.

Their back and forth:
"I guess I still have a little more healing to do."
"You're getting there, though"
"Anyway, it's definitely gonna add a lot of character to you."

FUCK!

All hail the robot overlords.

It's amazing to me of how much of my adolescence was a blur. Oh sure, I learned a few things. Don't do this, don't do that. Know your limits, understand what's said to you the first (couple) times, Hygiene is your best friend, science doesn't (for the time) hold all the answers, etc, etc.

Looking back at the past 10 years, half of my life, very few things stand out. Even fewer make me happy; Melina, stupid shit with my family and friends.

Looking at the details, I learned, relearned, then learned that what I just learned, at times, is completely wrong (or at least partially).

Still, I probably wouldn't make any changes to what I did. Because of my natural need to understand and wonder and laugh, I genuinely like the person I am.

Oh sure, I tend to have my moments of pessimism and downright depression. But how many people don't? How many people let that shit take over and screw them on a daily basis? Hopefully more than I think.

Right now I feel like everything I've learned to this point makes sense, everything I've come to understand and connect as logically as I could makes sense.

If you ask me what it all means, I couldn't tell you in a single sentence, I'd probably never would be able to tell you, just somehow, some way, you'd just have to understand. You'd have to understand, at least, that there is no definitive answer, and that the conversation would never end. The amazement and wonder, the learning and understanding, the ohhhhh and ahhhhh, the observation and association is never subsiding. Because some of the best stuff doesn't make sense.

 

Recently, I spoke with a friend.
She sent me a txt asking for MY opinion on a short blurb on happiness.
As much as I tried to make a logical argument in 140 characters or less, I couldn't.
As much as I tried not to say something, amazingly lighthearted or amazingly pessimistic, I couldn't.
As much as I tried to let my emotions flow, I couldn't
As much as I tried to let me say, "Happiness is easy to figure out, your heart knows what REALLY makes you happy." I couldn't

Probably, because I haven't been happy in (what seems to be) such a long time.

Probably, because happiness is as fucking non-complicated as love is. And we all know how easy it is to understand any of those human things.

All hail the robot overlords.

[I'm an idiot for not saving the txt. My phone was pissing me off because it kept saying that I had an unread message. But NOOOOOO, I just had to be OCD and make sure the little envelope icon was clear before I went back to work. So I deleted all of my texts. FUCK YOU crappily programmed phone!]

 

[[THEN, she say's I probably didn't understand what she meant! No one tells me I can't understand something as uncomplicated as happiness/girl emotions! *shakes fist* (-: ]] <<<LOOKS LIKE A HAT!