Not looking for it.

Damn, that's all I can say. I was peaking into the saved pictures on my old memory card. My nephew and niece are cute, especially a year ago, almost to the day. It's funny to see these pictures, fun to see them grow up in pictures. What I didn't expect was, and in so dramatic vein, a picture of her and me. It was happy, fun, and the time stamp was June 3rd. Just one year ago, almost to the day.

Looking and our pictures, we had fun. It's hard to let them go. You can tell in our smiles, we were in love. We were going to be together for a while. I still look at my favorite picture of us, it makes me smile and break apart all  at once.

I just hope she knows I did have a great time.

If you want to be happy...

..For the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. In my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Well, at least a decent one. Not the pretty one that you had once and can't get out of your head.

I think that's what I need. A pretty girl with an ugly girls' personality. Or maybe an ugly girl with a nice rack. Either one is a-o-kay.

Well, it's official, little girls don't like me.
"Mommy, who's that?" [aww, my coworker's daughter takes interest in what mommy does.]

"That's Carlos." [so mommy says]

"Oh" [....and, you might be, cute little girl?]

"I don't LIKE Carlos" [WTF! WTF little girl?!, who said you were so awesome, well, you are sporting that lovely pink sweater]

(I make a degrading joke and go back to work with tears in my eyes)

But seriously. If I didn't have such a good sense of humour I'd be in shambles and expecting an apology and maybe a card, and those really big smarties.

Going to the gym is a huge obstacle every day, always that burden for me, but I know I have to go, it makes me happy when I go. I need to get a calendar or something so I can do something after, I feel if I cross out each day it will go faster somehow.

 

I just dialed Melina's number by mistake/habit. After doing so, I didn't feel like crying or anything. I guess I'm slowly, slowly, slowly "getting over" it. Though, I know this will ultimately haunt me, and will never leave me. But at least I won't be fazed when I see her driving or something. I'm better than that.

Being stupid

One of my favorite pastimes has always been Being Stupid. Wether it's intentional or 'foar the hoard!'

It has followed me from my youth. Playing stupid when sitting in class, pretending to listen and learn stuff I already knew. Being stupid not realizing that getting chicks is much more than about "being that quiet, intelligent, oh-so-mysterious guy in the corner". Playing stupid to get out of trouble. Not realizing my words can have a deeper understanding to most people. Realizing, that some people ARE dumb enough to believe my stupidity. Stupidly assuming people are smarter/dumber than they seam. Stupidly realizing that I probably shouldn't fight fire with fire.

Stupid about my health.

Stupid about my grades.

Stupid about my relationship(s)

But, in all of this, I really have no regrets. I've been torn apart, beaten up, and layed to waste. My mind says to give up and go get some eggo's, but my heart. My heart, sometimes, confused with my mind, it says to keep doing what I'm doing, live the adventure, and hope that anyone I meet will be happy.

I have everything I need. All I want is someone who is willing to be stupid with me.

Dinosaur Comics

I've been going through the Dinosaur Comics all day now. Their funny. I don't think they should be read through like this though. There's something about them I like, I guess it's the fact that they remind me of Jesus's comics when we were in pre-cal. Funny stuff.

http://www.qwantz.com/

 

I saw Prince Caspian, good stuff. I started laughing late in the movie at something that wasn't supposed to be funny. "Common" that's all Einjo said.

For some reason, every time I go to the movies I expect to find Melina there. I still want her to be mine, I still love her. Hopefully I won't look like a bitch when we talk tomorrow.

I'm sore as hell.

After work.

After work I reach for my pocket, unlock my phone, and dial.

5. That was her speed dial. All that comes to mind, "Fuck, now what?" I got bummed out.

...

Change, it's amazing.

Just browsing through my bookmarks. I ran accross this,
http://www.vimeo.com/451895

It's amazing, so much change, but there are things that stay the same. It's inspiring.

 

I just wish I could take it in stride. You know, not expect that every call or text was from her. Just have everything, ever not be connected to her in some way. It's a bit execcive and it depresses me, not enough to make me so sad anymore, but you know. It bothers me, it makes me feel uneasy. It makes me feel like it was abrupt and almost not worth it.

On the 22nd I'll have lunch with her, I want it to be fun and carefree. I want to talk about stuff, anything. I still love her, but I have to move on and remember all of the good stuff.

Getting it all out.

Because tomorrow is another day.

I always told myself it wouldn't hurt this badly. I never expected it to hurt this badly. It's kind of when you get a shot, you expect the pain, you expect it to swell then go away. But when you finally get pumped with the medicine, it hurts more than you could imagine, but you just have to give a good face and not look like a bitch in front of the cute phlebotomist.

so why did I post such emo things? Well, it's because it meant more to me than anything else, EVER. I decided to make them public, so I can have a timeline, to show me later that I do have a soul. That I can love passionately, with conviction, and selflessly.

Today is a new day. I've always tried to live life a day at a time. I still am, I just feel I have no direction.

I still love her. I still want her. I still need her. But she's gone. I can accept that. We talked, she promised me it wasn't my fault and that any decision she'd make it would be by her own self doing. I'm never going to believe that, I know I could have done better, I just don't know how. But now she's gone, all I can hope for is that she'll be happy.

Please, everyone, be happy.

T-T-Translation.

I felt sadness when I realized that it wasn't a dream.
That it was true that you had left my life forever.
Realities woke me up and it was the death of my joy and my illusions of not losing you.
It's no reason why I felt the tired feeling of your kiss. 
I asked if you still loved me,
and with silence, you answered my question.
If the truth is so divine, why did you lie?

I did everything possible so that one day you would love me the way I needed.
Alas, in the end of things,  my love you had, and with a tiny bit of your love, I would have settled for.
And you never even gave me a goodbye when you left, and still I thought it was a dream.
I woke me to my realities and it was my painful death. And your absence was, for my existence, the cruelest poison.

I've never thought she was a Bitch.

"Don't worry I was probably one of her stupid friends"

I just saw something I probably was never meant to see. Now it seems all hope is lost. Bad timing I guess. )-';

[full size: http://flickr.com/photos/kumaku/2495870210/sizes/l/ ]

Earlier I had been talking about how my stomach stopped turning when I saw her picture, saw her name, said her name, or even thought about her. I was starting to make the distinction from my hellish sleep these past two nights, and the real world that I live in. But, as I drove to Circuit City, I didn't expect this.

These past two nights have been rough. I wake up in the middle of the night. I lay there, looking at the ceiling, wondering if everything we once had is "officially" done. My dreams are full of stuff I had never been prepared for. Stuff she said would never happen. I wake up and realize I'm alone.

What makes me depressed is that, I was right. I knew this would happen, for her and for her friends it would be a day of relief and freedom. For me it's a day of anxiety and reprise.

Such contradicting realities. One joyous rebirth, another a morose bereavement.

Just yesterday, my brother said, "When it rains, it pours."

But don't think twice. It's alright.

It just get's tighter. Kind of like when you're hyperventilating but you just can't calm that rush of adrenaline that piles up right at your sternum. Now it just hurts, eventually though. It will strengthen, just become a tightened mass, nothing being able to penetrate or damage it.

So far, it's been rough. They say the first 3 days are the hardest when you quit anything. It feels as if time stops. Every second that passes, it gets exponentially further. No hope for it to come back.(depending on who you are it can be good or bad)

Every second, I can remember something. A moment, it flashes. It's never anything bad, just random. A hug here, a blank stare, a hair, a white hair, the bear on the bed, ahead in the lunch line. Near the lane, a song in my ear, the subtle fear during a movie. Her face at night, while we talked. While she talked. Listening, wanting, leading, learning, fearing, smiling, laughing, walking. Everything.

I hope it's not like I am picturing it, I would be sad.

I don't know.

While I read the newspaper during my Monday morning routine, the white starts to disappear and the text in front of me starts floating away. I'm just looking at them, none of it really matters at this point. My heart is calling me, telling me to wake up and get loves defibrillator. I can't though. I don't know where to find one, I'm now at a loss.

Knowing, knowing, KNOWING. Knowing you never had any of it. It breaks it. The thing is, I called it out. I said it. Word by word, action by action. In detail, at least once and in general terms, countless. I guess that's why my eyes are only puffy and I'm not in complete shambles.

So, when do I manage to keep living? I think I've already started. Maybe I started a few months ago, I don't know.

I'm calm and collected. Only, there is this tension I can't get rid of, my chest feels tight and I'm having trouble concentrating. Not because I am distraught of knowing the outcome. But, because I don't know.

Every time I breath out, I can feel it. I just won't know until.