I don't know.

While I read the newspaper during my Monday morning routine, the white starts to disappear and the text in front of me starts floating away. I'm just looking at them, none of it really matters at this point. My heart is calling me, telling me to wake up and get loves defibrillator. I can't though. I don't know where to find one, I'm now at a loss.

Knowing, knowing, KNOWING. Knowing you never had any of it. It breaks it. The thing is, I called it out. I said it. Word by word, action by action. In detail, at least once and in general terms, countless. I guess that's why my eyes are only puffy and I'm not in complete shambles.

So, when do I manage to keep living? I think I've already started. Maybe I started a few months ago, I don't know.

I'm calm and collected. Only, there is this tension I can't get rid of, my chest feels tight and I'm having trouble concentrating. Not because I am distraught of knowing the outcome. But, because I don't know.

Every time I breath out, I can feel it. I just won't know until.