im not entirely sure what the fuck i'm doing.
i'm not entirely sure why i bother
no i'm not going to kill myself, i wouldnt call myself depressed either, but i do need some clarity here.
this is just to vent i guess.
i'm feeling lonely, sick, lost, and sort of useless. no purpose, no direction, and what sucks is i'm lazy as fuck to do anything about it.
and that's about it.
all this talk about work is getting me nervous, but i think a clear conscious would do me well. not only with clearing up lies i tell myself about doing this and that but with things pending to do.
in case you dont know it, i'm kind of a huge fucking liar. probably the biggest liar you'll ever know. the shroud of mystery you see? just a bunch of empty lies. it's kinda fucked up and you should call me out on it. i get pissed and whatever but fuck you for calling me out. haha
it's weird because even though a lot is on my mind and a lot of what i've wanted to accomplish has yet to manifest itself (cus you know, shit happens and no work is needed) - i think this is the biggest spot of clarity and relief i've had in a long fucking time.
just writing shit down feels good.
so recently i've been praying. it becomes like this meditation thing that has gotten me into a deep trance kinda like when you take some shrooms and close your eyes. only i'm not seeing stars and bad ass patterns, i'm calling on the Lord to help guide me and stuff. it's fun - but i think He doesnt like that i havent been honest in a long time.
I wonder how long it'll take for Him to hear my voice.
One thing that's been bothering me and continues to do so is my depreciation of mental thought. I used to be faster at math, wittier and etc. goes back to the fucking bullshit that i DONT do. I should probably DOING and have my inner monologue stfu and choke on some knowledge. i've been taking it too easy for far too long.
lastly. i dont know if i should even say because i'm not sure who reads this and i'm fucking certain that anyone who has any sort of intuition as to what can be considered mentaly healthy is probably already wondering wtf is the matter with me. but please, if this next line isnt about you stfu because fuck you.
I miss my ex. Having her around was the one of the best experiences. Losing her was the most valuable. what i learned about living and myself i wouldnt trade for anything. thru the hurt and misery and loneliness and worry - i've dealt compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and love.
thru this little journey, i lost 80 pounds and gained back 50 (totally different post, haha), i graduated and became unemployed, i've stolen and got ripped off, i sold and bought, i worked and slacked, i fucked and fucked up, i'm lost and have yet to be found.
and that's why i'm praying. for a little direction, but the motivation has come to me with great cost.
for a long time my motivation was her, even after we had broken it all off the feeling of spite and resentment i had against the world was pretty bad ass. lol bad ass parties, bad ass jams, bad ass money, bad ass fucking, bad ass grades. but it only took me so long to come down in a big way one false move and i could lose it all, and i did.
so now after a minute after all of this shit in my life came crumbling down i'm rebuilding, but this time i have the scaffolding that i made myself. the fucking essentials covered. when she left me, I could honestly say that none of that shit was there.
so now that's kind of what i am. i'm a foundation with scafolding that's starting to rust because the crew has no blueprints to finish it. and that's what would be nice to have. not blue prints from a failed project but an experienced architect that i can use as kind of a consultant. not really a big friend, but knows the details and someone i can respect enough to be open about stuff.
but damn, i've really changed. wonder who she is now...
