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TL;DR – I’ll miss you girl. RIP Puppy.

2010-07-06T18:08:00.001-06:00

I remember when we first got her. She’d been drawn out as the scrappy one from the puppy mill, she was cheap but “full blooded”. Her tail was cut to the bone and the ghetto stitch work only made it harder to keep clean.

As she grew into adult hood, the physical characteristics of her breed never appeared. Her muzzle was narrow, her chest/neck only showed a small patch of white, her nub of a tail – was seriously nubby, and she was small – always too skinny and small to be recognized as a “Boxer”. But she made up for it in style. She slept face up in a warm sun under the shade, hunt pigeons for fun, fight for her puppies, and sat on her blanket to eat.

Soon she’d learn from her mate to do what a good dog does. Keep an eye on the house and on the kids. They lived happily and had puppies. In her first litter there were 5 healthy picture perfect babies, who would be the reason for 3 of the nastiest dog fights I’d ever witness. All of whom played out like this. The boy, out of curiosity would always try and find the puppies when she would go out of the house to eat/poop. if she saw him anywhere other than in the little cage area of the back yard… it was ON. [he never seemed like he was going to do anything to them other than say hi – I’d seem him like one as to say hello. but who knows maybe he was tasting it.].

She would growl, then bark, then sprint towards him with teeth ready to kill. I just remember seeing her with red eyes, being pinned by the throat as her large headed man tried to control her. She’d then slip out of the choke by twisting her torso and biting his floppy ears. That’s when the guy didn’t give a fuck and humans had to intervene as we knew that they were fighting for blood or something worse… They were full sized adults by then. It’s weird how dogs lift off into the air swiping with their paws, landing on their side, quickly getting up to then snap at the muzzle/neck of the other. The boy was always the one to get the worst of it, I’m guessing he never locked his jaw. He clearly always had the upper hand, as he was stronger and faster, but that bitch kept going over and over.

From then on we knew what to do whenever she had babies. The second litter was only 3 but they were cute and went fast. The last litter wasn’t as nice. It was a hot week in July/August when she went into labor. Those puppies were small. I remember seeing them all of them a little small. It wasn’t long before we knew there was trouble. She had six. 3 passed. For all of them she wouldn’t let us approach she’d push us away and block the entrance. The last one to go was the worst. That day we knew there was one in there and for a few hours we tried to coax her out. Finally around sundown when the sun is just past the mountain, she came out. When we got up she ran back to her babies. I went inside and saw the rest from the window. She came outside and with the gentleness that only a mother can have, laid her puppy on the grass by my mothers feet. She stepped back and they [my mom and dog] looked at each other. My dog turned back to the rest of the litter and my mom teared up.

You should never compare a shitty mother to a bitch.

A year later her mate would die from a brain tumor.

She would become top dog, alone. She would be there for anyone who wanted to play. She was amazing with kids.

Later after I’d come back from phoenix and by a misinterpretation we’d end up buying another dog. I think this really helped her revitalize the more I think about it.

But she was old and knew of a more amazing mate than this smaller idiot of a dog. Seriously, her first mate was smarter, bigger, and way more obedient.

But as all creatures in life, she grew old. I only noticed her failing hips when she gradually stopped climbing on me, her cataracts as she would stop running in the dark for supper, her deafness when she stopped barking when I’d have to go thru the back door on drunken nights. And finally her pain of the tumors. She’d lost weight, ate slower, would avoid being touched on her right side, and she slept and slept and slept. Her tears just kind of became crusted over her eyes.

It was about two weeks ago that she’d finally conceded to being petted on her right. She just snuggled against me, I’d feel it and you could feel that sharp sour pain she must have had. I knew it wasn’t long before I’d have to hug her on a vets table.

These last few weeks were rough. But I tried to make it her best. I owe that much to her.

One thing that will always stay in my mind is what I guess all dogs give their owners. The love and loyalty of true friendship.

Over the past days I’d pet her and groom her and she’d just be quiet with me. She was weak and must have known more than I did because any time I’d get sad and started to tear up she’d look at me, with the biggest most loving eyes and one of those calm happy dog smiles, kind of saying “don’t worry, we’ll be alright"

I know you will be, I know I’ll be.

Girl you’re in doggy heaven now right with your boy and lost puppies. Hopefully you’ll remember us as good people and loving owners. I will miss you.

2010-06-26T13:13:00.000-06:00

The trains come to visit me every hour or so. They seem to go west then east then west again. I don't really think about where they're going, all I wonder is how much of a mess one of those could make if it were to be derailed like you see in those bankruptcy commercials.

I fell off of my bike twice, once I'll blame on my sore muscles. The other, there's not really much to it, I hit a soft patch and couldn't pedal thru. All the work I had put into getting into shape to get better looking and to live a little longer, all of that made no dramatic appearance fueled by adrenaline. I just kind of toppled over. On the second fall I just looked at the stars and realized nothing. I know why I fell, I knew it would hurt, and I knew that there was little I could do. All I could think about was about cracking my helmet.

If there were people around I might have laughed honestly and wholeheartedly, but alone there was little in terms of humor. All I could think about was that dog in the background howling at me triggered earlier by my weak light and musics playing on the phone. So I layed there next to some steal pipe maybe treated by asbestos material. I didn't think much of it, I figured I've fucked my lungs up smoking those reds more than a few PPM of asbestos ever could.

I layed there kind of hoping something interesting would happen, that's when I got up, dusted myself off and kept going on my path. My knee was bleeding and my elbow was pulsing in pain, but all I wanted to do was get back to my regular shoes.

Now sitting here I can hardly wait for my shift to be over. I'm not necessarily sure why as I'll probably be doing more of the same at home.

All I can think now is how much time I've lost and how much more I'm going to lose. I'd seize the day, but there's little to do when you got no cash or …

Some Greetings

2010-01-19T02:42:00.001-07:00

What’s up, did you get that hooker?

Hey man, how’s the business going?

Sup bink.

Hey jerk, when did you get here?

Carlos, I need you to lend me 5 bucks – How are you?

Carlitos, my nerd boy, how are you?

Alivianese guey; miralo, como se pone.

C-lo, RAAAGE!

CARLOS! So you want to play gay chicken?

Sup man; my brother says hi and I think we should go get hot cheetos.

Sup – did you do the homework? Yeah, cus I didn’t either.

Sup idiot, I need your computer.

Sup wey, so you know, you’re sitting in cat piss.

Oh, so now it’s a mutual agreement in conscious space that we acknowledge our presence? SYNCRONIZE!

You gotta be down.

Carlos, I know you’re down. Let’s go.

Wanting to Write

2009-10-10T02:45:00.001-06:00

I don’t even know what to say anymore. Anything I’ve managed to spew out is only worth 140 characters at a time.

But why am I writing more than that? What’s making me go? I’m not sure. It’s something in me, just wanting to come out and say something. There’s nothing much to say. She’s like any other bitch…

That makes me like any other guy? I guess that’s what I’ve wanted all along.

I wish I could actually write something worth reading. Something that had some sort of answers. There’s nothing here but a bunch of speculation and fear. Then I start to look around.

I need some time alone.

I need some company.

I don’t give a fuck.

I stared down a hobo.

2009-07-23T15:04:00.001-06:00

It was about 4 o’clock in the dead heat of the day when I looped back around the Starbucks to enjoy my iced coffee. “There’s a tree giving shade, I will park my car underneath and enjoy my treat.”

There was a hobo sitting underneath the tree, sitting on his chair cross-legged and looking to the distance.

I park. He slowly glances towards me then cautiously returns his sight. I want to get on his vibe so I start to look at where he’s gazing towards. I realize he’s not looking at anything so I start to eat my pecan pie and iced coffee. I take a bite, thru the window the hobo can see. I chew and take a sip, this guy thinks I don't see his eyeballs move. I take a bite and look up. This time I chew slowly while I stare into his blue eyes. Awkward moment is awkward as he makes a crazy calk eyed look to the right. With one eye squinted and the other looking the other way, I see the white in his left eye. He looks well rested.

Seeing his head turn puts him into a quick perspective of a hobo and a flood of thoughts fill my brains. “If this guy had a rifle, his face would look like that if he was aiming.” “His legs are old like his bike.” “I wonder what his story is.” “Is this guy tripping, or what?!” “Nah, he can’t afford PCP.”

As I refocus on him my I lift my head up a bit and take a sip of coffee. “Who told them to put sugar in this?”

Back to square one where his space was taken by some guy wearing a White Sox hat. I smile this time. His brow lowers. I take it back. I look at him and take a bite. We lock eyes. We stare at each other for a bit. Then, without much else left in him. He makes a /-: and looks diagonally down.

I felt bad, I ruined his crazy hobo trip.

/-:

Gettin Stupid

2009-07-11T03:07:00.001-06:00

I feel I’m getting dumber by the day. NOt being in school is getting to me. I feel I’m losing time. But I’m young so, I guess I should enjoy myself right? Nah, I want to be at the top NOW. I need the money. LOL

But to get there I need to work. I need to get out of my house and go to the library to study or something. I think that’s what I’ll do. Just take a text book and go over some chapters of stuff and answer a few problems from the book. Hopefully the feelings of wasting time will go away.

It’s funny how I measure time constantly. I’m glad I gave my watch to my 5 yr old cousin-ette to lose.

Now’s the time to work. MMMM- work…

The King of Pop has Died.

2009-06-26T00:59:00.001-06:00

It wasn’t long ago that the vision in my head was still alive.

Be it a de javu; random incling; or maybe i’m making shit up. Either way, I remember the picture and thinking…. The king of pop has died.

http://pics.livejournal.com/zarex/pic/0006e3kf

I’ve just been keeping it real and losing pounds. I feel the same. I guess it’s me that can’t get chicks. Oh God why can’t I get chicks?! Fail Wail. Get it?

I can only say that I don’t like to get stared at by creepy old ladies that think they have a shot at a good fuck. Cause you know. Old ladies can settle with a lot of stuff. I hate wal-mart.

I feel like I need to write more. I guess it’s my head telling me to get some food in it. I’ve been slacking it in the school department. I can only say that there is going to be a hill to climb. A tall rocky, sandy, hill. Yeah, that I’ll conquer on my mtn bike.

There has been a lot of changes recently. But I do feel like myself. Just with more composure because I manage to think before I speak, it feels like I can say a sentence and make some dialogue. I’m thinking it’s because of twitter. People forget that a single sentence can hold a harsh meaning. It’s perfect for people who live their lives on “quotes”. Either get some meaning behind those things or RTFM and find out why it’s so bad ass. That’s really what’s frustrating me, I just feel like I can’t do what I want because of my parents. Then I realize I don’t have anywhere else to go… But let’s not confuse thinking with being a pussy.

Good times.

I’ve had them, but nothing beats a BBQ…

Who’s down? I’m up for whatever.

Doin’ thangs.

2009-05-18T01:53:00.001-06:00

That’s all I’ve been doing. Discovering doing stupid shit and pretending that no one is watching. But they are. Everyone is watching. At all times. They are the one’s who start the talking. You’re just around listening to the music when they start to talk.

Then, you’re given a task to do. Why? I’m not sure, but they go up to you and start talking .Why are you talking? Do I know you? When is the last time we talked? There is nothing to say then. Nothing to say unless…

Unless you’re a jackass like me. I try to be cool with everyone that at least gives that bullshit smile. Everyone that gives you an eye that you’re just not into…. Yeah, that’s them. Those people that are too “curteous” and “respectful” to tell you what you both know. You both know there is no reason to spend time with people you don’t want to get to know.

But I’m a nice guy!

At least until I start smoking cigarettes and drinking drink. Then everything turns loose. My honesty get’s me in trouble.

When you light up right before talking to a bitch your friend loves…. That’s when you know that you can either blow the smoke on you or on her. It’s up to her to realize that nothing was said other than, how are you? Was it my fault that I’m trying to be friendly?

Am I the one with the problem? Do I want to make friends with people that look me in the eye and smile? Are they faking that smile?

But that’s me. An honest guy.

I <3 Getting Older.

2009-04-11T00:54:00.001-06:00

I was born a bad guy. Bad guys always lose. It’s up to me to change it. Every action leads to an equal but opposite rxn.I rather work hard to change it, than to plateau at some mediocre level. After all, I am the good guy, don’t good guys win all the time? After all,I have nothing to lose now. After all, I still have the deck in my hands. Because once you start winning at your own game, that’s when progress is made. But, what work should I do? I know the answer, but it’s that I don’t have the desk.

Jesus, someone get me a desk from school…

Best birthday present ever…

Just being me. On paper, and out loud.

What I am.

2009-04-03T01:57:00.001-06:00

To be honest, as a kid I didn't use my imagination. There was too much to learn for me to pretend that something's there that's not really there. I didn’t really need that though. I had everything I wanted, was content, and knew the value of something special. There was too much to conquer right in front of me.

It’s always been like that. I just need that spark. That one thing that can lead me to believe that it will be worth while. Right now there’s only a few things that can lead me to those great endeavors. My personal gain, money, and women.

But as proposed from the top, my endeavors are hardly up to par with the sadness of challenges.

It always makes me sad to see a challenge. I’m not sure why. But that’s the overall feeling I get, quiet, yellow, sadness. I can only be productive when I’m pissed or when I’m sad. To better myself I offer myself the challenge to be a victim. Offer myself the challenge to be the loser. But, at what cost? To work completely and say fuck you to the world. Or Come out and “a chingasos” beat the shit out of it…

The challenge. Become somebody, or become somebody’s bitch.

I think I’ll become somebody. Whoever I am. (-:

[Challenges are a peculiar thing.]

Skydiving Bull Rider

2009-03-03T18:12:00.002-07:00

I have to now try and meet the goal of manliness Bernie has set. Knowing me, I'll spend too much money and get a story out of it. Cheers to that.

Mid day journal entry is interesting. Especially because I'm only writing because I locked my keys in my car. But it can teach you something interesting.

I could have panniced when I realized. Instead, I went ahead and tweeted about it. I've told the world and now I can't shove this problem to someone else. It forces me to use what I've got around me. I didn't let it stress me either. It helped reduce stress and put reality in the situation. "Now that people know, I have to get out of it somehow." It's kind of like God is watching, but with instant feedback.

But then you get the people who were paying attention and God shows himself. People are willing to help, the action of goodwill is always good. And i thank them.

In my unstressed state I managed to study for a test AND reaquaint myself with an old friend.

Twitter rocks.
It reunites people.

Live Life

2009-02-04T11:53:00.001-07:00

If living life passionately requires any special ability, it’s the ability to live for life.

Sadly my passion I was living for, left me. She was my passion and inspiration, a whisper of her – made me happy. Yes, she was, through and through. All of my love and passionate ability, gone. Luckily I have a rag-tag team of !!Good Guys!! who can just about solve anything that matters. … But I digress, or should it be depress?

Depression made me realize I really am not a depressed person, but I do like to prepare for the worst. I am not a nice guy, but if you treat me nice I’ll treat you nicer (Ladies?!) And far and foremost, I am my Parents son, I guess I’m the bad parts of them. [Did I mention that I am a lesbian woman inside? But that’s another post.] Overall, a learning experience.

So, sadly and jointly I began a quest to reveal who’s really there, I mean, the whole city had just collapsed and reconstruction was being paid for in friendships, shots, family, beer, bad rally calls, smoke, shit talking, rap, money, hits, my image. Stranded and stained, I lost focus.

Later I began to come home. And, realize some important shit.

Later, I began to come home. And, realize some important shit.

It felt good. Even with shame, I knew she was out of my system. I was who I was and there’s only one way up. So I started climbing towards a Greek perfection. So I keep climbing.

I am not at the summit, nor do I think I’ll ever get there until I’m out and about. Out and about doing? Doing, finishing, it’s all the same to me right now. I’m living life.

I’m living with no passion though… That is where things like school and a possible future keep driving me. That’s what I like doing, and thanking my friends and family for being there.

The Passion of LIVING. Is that so wrong?

As for her, she still sits as a big part of my life, not only because she was around for so long, but because I came out with something more than just anguish. Anguish I would have felt if we had married now or later. I came out with the ability to breathe and depend on myself to make me feel okay. [Personal note: If I could talk to her, I would, but my failed attempts at communication are all I’m able to invest my time in. And they’d be questions about how good a lover I was. :-P ]

Finally, I’m just beginning trying out my new and improved self. Trying to fix some shit from people in the other time period was sooo last year. Writing this, I am trying to avoid the same mistakes [unless you believe anti-provocation can lead to direct provocation, but I think that mentality is backwards] and trying to slow down, to take it all, and observe what is really going on to solve some problems. Solving problems, it’s what I do.

I just say, live life.

What I think about in the shower.

2009-01-31T15:36:00.001-07:00

(The longer you flow, the more lost you'll get. It's important to remember how long you’ve had to explore and that most times it’s easyer to work than to work for something you’re not wanting.)

Finding that reason to keep going. That’s what drives me. I’m positively parabolic and there is few things that I can take. What I leave is only up to me and no longer her.

It’s alright to laugh, I think it’s funny too! (0:

I also figured out I’m a SMRT know it all, but who hasn’t?

Smile, it’s only beginning.

2009-01-08T16:19:00.003-07:00

I always feel I have to spit one out every time I'm in a new computer lab.
This time I feel the review of the computer is in order.

These machines are probably about 3yrs years old. But the university spent good money on the good machine so the desks look appropriate and proportionate.

I'm here with Jaime, and everything is swell.

To agree or to disagree.

2009-01-07T19:21:00.001-07:00

Something inspirational is going to strike me. To write. I thought I had something, but it left. It's amazing how the universe makes sense even in loss and pain. I feel I have wallowed in this goop too long. But for me to realize the dream, I have to know if a key part of me will be coming along for the ride.

Yes, no. That's all it's going to take. It's going to be fine either way. I am ready mentally. But I want this to be for keeps. I'll regret it if I never say it.

Ask her.

I'm giving myself a month. A month of preparation, extraordinary revelation, and exclamatory motivation. Because, THE TIME IS NOW... marge. LOL!

[Accompanying this to be a picture of a lame letter I wrote. But the sars aligned and both of the pictures I took were corrupt when I transfered them over. So I took it as a sign. Hopefully after my emotional relapse after next month, I will put it up.]

My scenes have been striped.

2009-01-03T04:48:00.001-07:00

For some reason I always write a New Years Post. This is it. Last year it almost seemed robotic. Last year sucked. Last year was the worst, but at the same time the best. There is nothing like last year. That's why we remember them in years and years to pass.

Now, what to do to make this year as bad ass as last year. I can think of one thing, get rid of all of the BS.[That sounds a little, "life coach-ish]

Well, some BS is needed, I wouldn't have learned so much without it. So, I'll just alter the BS in my life. The important BS. But, much of it, I need to get rid of. A good 80% is not good...

So here I write about..

The BS you should keep is yours. And for whatever reason, you know it's bad, but something inside of you tells you, "Come on, you know you like it." That's the value of it, to give you cheap thrills.

These cheap thrills, they're different for everyone. For some it's drinking, others get their kicks from feeling powerful; some people just find that thinking they're a little higher than thy neighbor, can mean cheap thrills. But those thrills, it's nothing compared to that thrill that keeps you living. Whatever is important to you should give you that thrill, and then some...

So that's what I need. My cheap thrill and less BS.

The BS I need to get rid of, can easily be taken care of, but it takes time and I'm impatient. At least that's what it will teach me.

I still need to learn that. That's what I want to achieve. Patience. I need it, but I can currently get it during a big project. This time my project will be myself. I will thank me later.

Right now I just want to knock out.

Merry new year and to all a good year.

Instant communication

2008-12-20T02:35:00.001-07:00

[I could easily make this into a sort of personal thing, but why bother?]

The thing is, this instant communication thing is not kind. The moment you have a deep imperial thought, it is known to the rest of the world. "A man can live and feel the top for a moment" that's the instant of what people live on. These peaks of grandeur, adrenaline, deep insight. For some people, those are the points when life matters.

The thing is, when I see it, the graph almost resembles a jagged mountain. You see the small peaks, you see the small slopes downward and upward. But this all leads to not appreciating what is really around you, living in the "moment".. Not really taking into account what... God has given you. (but who's to say they don't?)

Although, some might consider God, it is not a sure insight of what they feel. Arrogance is a bitch.

For many people the small breaks that life brings them, are motivation to keep going for the next break. For me, it's more like, the small breaks are a part of something bigger. So I better keep going. I'm not riding the wave, I'm a part of it.

"Conformity is okay, only if it keeps you going forward"

[wow, that's kinda redundant]

It's going to be a fair December.

2008-12-08T23:41:00.001-07:00

This is when it's finally making sense.

I'm home. HOME. I'm a homeboy. I love being home. I had forgotten how good it feels, how much of you is part of home, how much home is you. I can't believe how much I've been able to figure out. Why, is not a question anymore, it feels like an answer. I'm not sure how much this is going to last, but I think it will.

Love.

Life.

Happiness.

Home.

That's what I've been taught. That's what I see. I'm happy when I'm home. I feel needed at home. I like being needed. It keeps that drive going. It sucks whenever you notice that some people don't need you, but fuck it. Sometimes you don't need people either. So fuck it. Live it, love it and be cool with those who are cool with you.

You never know when one of those will have your back.

And at home, you know where you're really at.

Porno in the Lab

2008-11-10T18:29:00.002-07:00

There's this cute girl sitting behind me. I realize she's seeing my browsing but, I wonder what would happen if I start watching porno. I want to see her rxn. oh god, look at that... rxn. Reaction.

That's how far the influence of chemistry has on me. Having RXN be a supplement for an actual word. I'm still sitting in this lab, I have no idea what I'm doing. How the fuck am I supposed to write a research paper on some bullshit I barely understand. Oh well, those are the breaks I guess. But seriously WTF.

All I can say is that the girl from fucking Big 8... not my type. Sure, she's there, and willing. But I'm not. She's nice, but seriously, who wears "piglet" shit after 8th grade? WHO!?

I'm getting frustrated with all of that bs. I need to vent. I need to vent, but more structured. Structure that I can get by... getting.... really.... high...
But, I've decided to be straight edge.

What ever happend to Paul Wall? I guess he spend all of his money on the grill.

Seriously now. There is this huge weight that is sitting in the back of my mind. It's her. I have to talk to her. I have to tell her everything I've realized, everything that I've seen, everything I've changed, and I want to know everything she's thinking. Because for long, she was my everything and I blew my shot.

Those are the breaks I guess. This is me thinking on paper.

Panic at the Disco - FTW... I hate myself for that. LOL

And that's okay, I feel the same.
Feeling lonely and stressed.
Lonely because it is my shit.
My shit is mine to bear.
Bearing the wounds and waiting to show the scars.
The wounds that won't heal, will definately scar, and always take effect.
They've changed me, for the better.
Changed me, for the better. I guarantee it...

(just a little bit longer.)

The MySpace goodbye.

2008-09-21T11:53:00.001-06:00

"I don't know, I might come back some day, it all depends on the weather."

"Hurricanes?"

"No, more like drought"

"AHHHH... so you're a bitch?"

"Fuck you"
[both laugh]

"So, you're really doing it?"

"yeah man, why else do I need to be here? People have my number"

"But, how will that casual conversation happen without the bufffer?"

"Like olden times my boy! They drop me a message in the mail.
EEEE- Mail "

"You're an idiot"

"Dude, seriously, I am spending too much time on the internet.
It's affecting my school"

"Why the fuck are we even talking about fucking myspace? And you say it like I care or something..... No bitch, I didn't mean it like that"
[both laugh]

"Just do what you think is right."

"Yeah, I know it'll be okay. I just hate that there has to be an ending. There has to be a finish before I can progress in ONE thing. Usually I quit things for more than one reason.
Remember when I quit smoking crack?"

"Yeah."
[both laugh]

Call me.Text me
www. twitter. com/kumaku
www. kumaku. blogspot. com
Facebook - Sign up and add me!
kumaku@gmail.com
Take it easy.

[I was never good at goodbyes. I was never good at hello either, but for some reason people believed me when I said I was a winner. So I hope they believe me when I say I'll be okay.] Goodbye, don't worry about me. I'll be okay.

Just gotta keep goin'

2008-09-09T22:31:00.001-06:00

My heartbreak isn't original. Nothing about this is. People have written, spoken, and acted about this grief. That's what it is, grief. But it's not original. There's nothing original about it. The only variables that change are the names and characters. But this feeling is universal. Some people choose to hide it, others choose to abide by its rules. I'm choosing to be a little bitch and do neither. I have to let it go. But I can't. Yes I can. I really can. But I can't do it. Not yet. Soon.

I ~~could argue~~ have argued that it was meant to be. I ~~could argue have~~ have argued that it wasn't our time. I ~~could argue~~ have argued that too many things added up, and that the universe and all the stars in the galaxy line up perfectly now so that the little things remind me of what it used to be. Of what I still feel it HAS to be. But, what for? No one will listen. No proof of the concept, no genuine knowledge. Just a feeling, some certainty, and a whole lot of observation. Wasn't that good enough for love before?

What changes is the person. What's unique is the interest. What's unique is the idea of "maybe".

Maybe isn't in my language. I'll have the last laugh, probably though...

I have to let myself let go. At least the stuff that I can't change. But I'm a believer of "everything is possible". I guess I'll have to believe that only the person will be able to see. But that's just hope. Hope isn't good for coping. Hope is what you have when you have nothing left. I have nothing left. Hope isn't cutting it for me. What I need is to stop looking around, look inside......

I've already looked, everything is still the same. Having to erase it from the most important parts is like having to erase part of myself. A true part of myself.

What do I do now? I'll say it again, back to square one.

That's why I feel broken. I guess now, my eternal struggle for self realization starts?

Like Einjo said, "That sucks man. I hurt for you. I've seen it plenty of times too. Never have I seen it hurt someone as much. Never ever did I think that something like that could happen so well formed. It's like someone was playing with the pieces. Kind of like a movie, but more fucked up. But I'm not going to lie, I have seen something like this before plenty-a-time. It always sucks, not like this though. This sucks the worst, not only because you're my friend, but because you can tell. I like to call it, "The world crashing down on you." But this is different. It feels kind of like when you know it isn't supposed to happen like this, but it does. Really though, I think you've officially won the worst luck."

Luck is a bitch. Fate is what you call it when you can deal with it.

I still need some last words to some people.

Those people know who they are. Those people need to at least give me a signal. Those people are just dodging me for some reason.

Those people aren't cowards, she just moved on.

Until then. Adieu.

Feeling Myself. LOL!

2008-09-09T11:36:00.002-06:00

I guess recently I havent been feeling like myself. Not because I don't know what that means, but I just havent felt it inside of me. I hate to dig any deeper than this, because it leads to sad feelings and I know why.
I do know why, I do know what I have to let go, but... There is no but, intelectually i've moved on. Emotionally, I still need to learn some stuff about myself and what it affects.
Right now, it's fucking me up in things that it shouldn't even fuck up.

I still have some stuff to figure out, like being able to concentrate on stuff that matters. Stuff that matters....
1. School
2. Family
3. School
4. Work
5. Friends
6. Myself... BINGO!

"And if i feel tomorrow like i feel today, I'll take what i want and give the rest away" -The Kinks.

Just gotta feel it i guess.

Economics of Priority

2008-09-09T11:20:00.003-06:00

I was in class, I wanted to finish my assignment so I could, I don't know, use the rest of the class time talking to my group. In the middle of my march down the finish, I was held back by some fool. Though, he did have good things to say, his explination of things were a little hard to follow and I was too lazy to go ahead and try to understand him, as I normally would.
This ended up with a discussion with the proffessor about it, and led me to get a wrong answer.

It didn't bug me so much that I had gotten an answer wrong in economics but it floods me with different ideas.
First, this leads to the guy thinking he's smarter, harder, and wittyer than I am. I'm not saying that this isn't true, but the arrogance factor in the equation bugs me. and to top it off he now has a fucked up concept of what we were studying. I feel responsible for this.

Second, I feel responsible. In this group it seems like I'm the only one that can give clear answers. Clear enough that everyone understands what I'm trying to say.

Third, this pisses me off because if I had just studied a little, or at least took the time to understand the same concepts, we would have been okay, and this deuchebag would at least take the time to take me into consideration.

Fourth, I need to get my head in the game, but I still have stuff to sort out. Different things were swarming my head. Nothing according to the class. Nothing that can even affect me as much as not getting an A in my classes.

I still feel distracted and not myself.

Battle of the Verts

2008-08-06T00:36:00.001-06:00

I just read an essay about introverts and extrovert

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/introverts-extraverts/

As nice and compact as it seems, I can't get myself to fit into any one of those catagories.

I tend to be introverted, but when put on the line I am extraverted and enjoy it. But, I always get my best thoughts alone and when I'm inside of my own head.

But then again, when I get new ideas, I'm always with new people, people I met by being extroverted....

And the loop can go on forever.

That's the thing about life, it's way too complicated to be put into black or white, 1 or zero, on or off. I think that essays like this try to define certain principles, but we humans are too awesome to fit into one mold.

I guess, there's always exception to the rule.

Ohhh, a wise guy (girl) aye?

2008-08-02T04:53:00.001-06:00

So today at work. A friend told me, "It's because guys don't know what girls want." I went ahead and explained that we don't know because.....I don't know, some bullshit.

The answer is, we're all people here. Everyone wants their partner to be able to put up with their bullshit. Whatever it may be. Those insecurities and faults, someone that will go ahead and put up with them. Someone that will love them for being so broken and ugly.

The people that refuse to admit their flaws, those are the people that don't get it. Those are the people who aren't complete and are usually unhappy. Those are the people you can't be with.

I'd go ahead and explain further, but there are so many variables to explain and inside set molds there is always exception to the rule. So lets do what everyone else likes me to do, and poke fun at myself.

I'm too nice.
Niceness won't get me chicks, this is because some girls don't like a guy who will put up with everyone's shit, not just theirs. So I'll become COMPASSIONATE in those girls eyes.

I lack confidence.
[secretly I don't, I'm humble and right now I believe there are so many things that haven't been solved that I can't fake it.]
Confidence shows some chicks that the guy is able to face adversity and will face any challenge. I lack it, therefore I can't possibly do any of those things. So, I'll be a JERK to those girls.

I laugh too much.
Who doesn't like laughing? Although, I have a deeply sarcastic, dark, satirical sense of humor that sometimes I think only people in the crazy house will understand. So, I'll just be TYPICAL to those girls

I'm too smart.
I can't really do much about this, I just need to be stupid I guess. I'll just avoid the stupids and be as collected as I can with the smarts and overall be UNSMART to those girls.

The thing is, when is the last time that a guy said, "I just don't know what I want in a girl."

Snuff n' Stuff

2008-08-01T15:19:00.001-06:00

Just been hanging out. Getting scared shitless of the unknown the unsolved and the things to come.

We're growing up, we find reasons to look typically older, wiser, and sometimes harder. That's why we picked up dipping, but I have to be honest, sometimes it tastes terrible and my mouth blisters up. Am I older now?

It's funny to see us do it, because we know why we even do it. This self mutilation almost, gives us a sense that we are better than that. We are doing it to experience it now. To tell the story to those that will learn from it, and to motivate others like us that have to experience it to believe.

It's not something that we do consciously, it's not something that we want either. It's who we are, we choose to live simply and vividly at the same time. Living on the edge some say, we're just doing it for the ride.

(-;

Trying to be happy...

2008-07-29T22:03:00.001-06:00

Fuck, if there was a better time for time to just fly by, it's now. I want school to start, I need something to keep me productive and stop with all of this self pity and over analyzing and over thinking and over and over and over and over! Enough!

The think is, I got a text, a simple text asking for my career advice. I couldn't just wave it off, I had to respond. I had to make myself seem cool and collected. But every time I was called, a strike to my gut. Every time she said my name, a blow to my heart. I got depressed that night.

But, thanks to a great friend, we challenged ourselves to get something out of our problems. To do something and stop with the worry. As we poured our hearts out, I knew that I wasn't alone. She wasn't me, I wasn't her, and that time WILL help.

As I told others of my sorrowing experience. Everyone said the same thing as my friend, angrily and hastily, "WHY?! Hasn't she done enough?" "Maybe she's not over it either. The only reason she made contact is because she's afraid she might have made a mistake."

And yeah, typically that's what would happen. But, I don't want to think that, I have to keep my guard up, I can't let the shred of hope and probability be my salvation. That's no anchor and it wont fly IRL. But, I did learn that I have awesome friends around me.

The only way I can do these things is just to avoid it all together, there's reason to my madness. I just don't want this to be, "Well, dude, maybe you're the one that's fucking scared and blah blah blah, and you're the one that can't get over it and blah blah blah." "And the anchor is just you being a bitch."

STFU. It's not that simple. I HAVE faced my problems, I HAVE found a reasonable solution, this just 'dropped me down a peg'. I was doing so well, Living my life, having a great time. I didn't need this. Not now. I didn't ask for this.

[the thing is, I already started doing this, that same night as I talked to my friend, I was already feeling better, I was already wanting to keep going where I was. This is just a manifestation of thoughts finally brought to the attention of my life's timeline.]

Carlos on love.

2008-07-23T03:38:00.001-06:00

LOVE, I've spoken, written, and lived it.

Recently I saw a TED talk on love. Helen Fisher's presentation on love. http://blog.ted.com/2008/07/the_brain_in_lo.php

It blows my mind. Love that is. The thing about the whole presentation it gave a feeling that I, like so many others, already knew this. Us who have loved, we knew it all. But someone putting all of this into a scientific work, that's all I needed to know. I needed to know that it IS normal to feel like this. It's not just my ability to get.... crazy. It's not just me.

Looking at all of the facts and stuff. I am glad I love, I am happy to have understood that feeling, that instinctive-primal-disorienting-incomprehensible-yet-universal feeling. I love love.

I used to say that one of the most important and powerful words that I hated using, was love. It was because I didn't fully understand that no one really understands, and I will never be able to completely explain love. It's something that has to be experienced before you fully realize its beauty.

I had an idea of its power when I was younger. I said, "It's over used, it's too powerful to be tossed around so sparingly." And I would get angry at people who said, "I love so-and-such"

Is it too valuable to cheapen with improper use? Should it be used to describe the feelings you have for, Action Bubble's scum-scrubbin-bubble solution?

Personally, I feel that there shouldn't even be a word to encapsulate such a broad term. But, if love doesn't exist, what does?

Powerful Scene

2008-07-09T15:02:00.001-06:00

I'm currently watching The Darjeeling Limited. And one scene just fucks me up every time I see it.

They are all in the airport waiting for their plane to go home. They all walk into the bathroom to shave, clean up, etc. As they all group up to the mirror, the camera looks at their faces.

As Owen Wilson's character starts to cut off the bandages of his head wounds, the two brothers suddenly stop what their doing, and focus on his face. One with a half shaved face, the other just looking into the mirror's reflection.

Their back and forth:
"I guess I still have a little more healing to do."
"You're getting there, though"
"Anyway, it's definitely gonna add a lot of character to you."

FUCK!

All hail the robot overlords.

2008-07-07T03:57:00.001-06:00

It's amazing to me of how much of my adolescence was a blur. Oh sure, I learned a few things. Don't do this, don't do that. Know your limits, understand what's said to you the first (couple) times, Hygiene is your best friend, science doesn't (for the time) hold all the answers, etc, etc.

Looking back at the past 10 years, half of my life, very few things stand out. Even fewer make me happy; Melina, stupid shit with my family and friends.

Looking at the details, I learned, relearned, then learned that what I just learned, at times, is completely wrong (or at least partially).

Still, I probably wouldn't make any changes to what I did. Because of my natural need to understand and wonder and laugh, I genuinely like the person I am.

Oh sure, I tend to have my moments of pessimism and downright depression. But how many people don't? How many people let that shit take over and screw them on a daily basis? Hopefully more than I think.

Right now I feel like everything I've learned to this point makes sense, everything I've come to understand and connect as logically as I could makes sense.

If you ask me what it all means, I couldn't tell you in a single sentence, I'd probably never would be able to tell you, just somehow, some way, you'd just have to understand. You'd have to understand, at least, that there is no definitive answer, and that the conversation would never end. The amazement and wonder, the learning and understanding, the ohhhhh and ahhhhh, the observation and association is never subsiding. Because some of the best stuff doesn't make sense.

Recently, I spoke with a friend.
She sent me a txt asking for MY opinion on a short blurb on happiness.
As much as I tried to make a logical argument in 140 characters or less, I couldn't.
As much as I tried not to say something, amazingly lighthearted or amazingly pessimistic, I couldn't.
As much as I tried to let my emotions flow, I couldn't
As much as I tried to let me say, "Happiness is easy to figure out, your heart knows what REALLY makes you happy." I couldn't

Probably, because I haven't been happy in (what seems to be) such a long time.

Probably, because happiness is as fucking non-complicated as love is. And we all know how easy it is to understand any of those human things.

All hail the robot overlords.

[I'm an idiot for not saving the txt. My phone was pissing me off because it kept saying that I had an unread message. But NOOOOOO, I just had to be OCD and make sure the little envelope icon was clear before I went back to work. So I deleted all of my texts. FUCK YOU crappily programmed phone!]

[[THEN, she say's I probably didn't understand what she meant! No one tells me I can't understand something as uncomplicated as happiness/girl emotions! *shakes fist* (-: ]] <<<LOOKS LIKE A HAT!

Comment from a Student

2008-06-24T11:59:00.001-06:00

So, we were having a nice little lunch. My Mom + Dad, Sister, and me. My sister kept saying, "So, when are you going to shave and cut your hair," and so on. I kept making lame excesses, but never really had an answer better than, in Homer Simpson fame, "O-ummm-oomm?" [I don't know sound].

Anyway, my dad finally had enough of our childish banter, and said, "He's depressed."

This comment gave me chills, I laughed in nervousness, hoping that I really wasn't, hoping that he doesn't read my blog. Most importantly, hoping it wasn't true.

"Well, mildly depressed." He said. "Mildly depressed people often do things like that, to be avoided. It's in my psychology book."

We laughed, and smiled.

To my sister and me It was apparent, I am mildly depressed.

That's fucked up.

Now I really want to go cut and shave.

Making the links...

2008-06-22T02:13:00.001-06:00

I have nothing for this post. The title says it all. I'm just making links. The chain get's so long, that at some point it takes over the horizon, it takes over the ground and the clouds too. Then you notice that everything is connected.

That's it.

The Loser.

2008-06-21T01:02:00.001-06:00

(I sent this to Melina late one night. After hanging out with friends and realizing that some girls are bitches, but Melina never was, and I hope she never will be.)

I think that's why we got along.
IT was because you understood the "Loser". And if you didn't you'd try and figure it out.
But how could you do it? Was it that you too were a loser?
No, she's too beautiful/classy for that.
Then what was it?
She knew how to feel. She knew every feeling. But most, even if she didn't understand it completely, she loved. Harshly.
But, what if all she thought was torn away?
"Fuck it" is all she said.

At least that's what I saw. And I liked that she knew when I'm getting into it, too far into it.
And she'd say.
"I love you, but take a break and be mine for a while"
And that's what I'd do.
She understood the "Loser"

LOL!
I didn't what to trip you out.
I hope you're living well and happy.
I hope you've found what's been missing.
I hope you're doing exactly what makes you happy and elated.
I hope you don't take this in bad nature.
I hope you don't realize I'm a terrible person.
I hope you didn't leave me for someone else.
I hope you will still be, for the time at least, be my friend.

(-:

[txt me when you see this, txt me lies and say you understood. also, text me if it's cool if I blog this.]

The Jig is up.

2008-06-18T12:44:00.001-06:00

I've been a little off recently. I've been going around, searching for answers. I've been feeling like there is nothing. I've been talking to some friends, co-workers, people I barely know, and others I respect. Just trying to find something, I'm not even sure wtf I was doing, so fuck it.

The thing is, any time I went out and learned, I kept thinking I didn't know what was wrong. Really, I still don't want to admit it, mainly because it still hurts, and I'll be all bitter about it.

But knowing all of that, I can see that it's sitting on a foundation. A foundation of need. My deep need for being. It's kind of the essence of "A life without purpose is not a life worth living". But, at the same time, why can't we just live?

Fuck it, I want a fast car.

Mobile...

2008-06-16T00:54:00.001-06:00

I read a quote today about happiness that pretty much summed up the way I want to feel right now. It basically said that if we look for happiness, it would come later than if we just live life. I wish I could say that's how I am living, but I guess having the happiness ripped out, knowing what made you happy. Knowing you wont get the chance to get it back until you've completely changed. Then trying to fix that emptiness that is now left. Trying your hardest to keep going and trying to understand, why.

i feel repetitive, I also feel something is missing. It's not obvious what it is, but something in ME is missing.

I guess the moral here is to keep living.

Maybe something will sick.

[this post was typed on my cell phone because my iPod is broken and i need to keep busy during lunch so people wont think I'm a loser that sits by himself eating happy meals and stares at the trashcan]

Here's the quote!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
-Aldous Huxley

Something's a muck.

2008-06-14T01:26:00.001-06:00

I don't feel good. It's like something is missing. I try to make myself understand, but maybe trying is just pushing it away. I always try not to force things, but, wtf. I do I NEED to know what is really going to happen? DO I need to understand? AHHHH!!! I guess I'll just go as fast as I can, to where it all becomes blurred and you stick to the big picture.

But I won't do that, that's not something I want to do. I want to enjoy the journey and be able to understand thoroughly, exactly what I already deduced from living, love is all we need.

Love, laughter, hope, and passion. Nothing is better than that.

PS.

Sex & the City Movie, a few things I'll rave...

1. Wholeheartedly enjoyed it.
2. Miranda is a bitch, but I need it.
3. Only the ugly girls laughed when she pooed her pants. That made me laugh.
4. "I just want you" - I've said it plenty of times.
5. "WTF am I doing" - I've said it plenty of times.
6. I hate that I knew that somehow, all of those relationships partially mirrored my own.
7. I was happy everyday.

Explanation to the Simple.

2008-06-12T02:54:00.001-06:00

And realizing that deciphering any ill gotten memories, then being able to portray that information, upon themselves, the self actualized will emerge.

Then being able to make that into a song will bring them millions of dollars.

Then interpreting that same emotion will make them famous.

And taking that fame, and doing more illness. And figuring it out, that you're a gateway to plausibility.

[okay, plausibility is a bad word to use, you get your own.]

My writing

2008-06-10T02:32:00.001-06:00

There's a point when I have an epiphany to write. I'm always in constant dialogue with myself. More often than not, though, when I write, I write in a sort of prepackaged-edited way.

The thing is, I often times have a great epiphany to write, I have it all set out, then when the finger meets the keys, they start to fade away. All the thoughts and structure all goes away. I try to type as fast as I can, but I can only reach a few ideas and writing about the crumbs, not the cookie. I manage to vaguely talk about one subject/idea that I had cooked up.

It all disappears, kind of how when you wake up from a dream, you rush to recap, then it slowly fades.

It all disappears, you expect the best, try to call out the future, then it all crumbles away.

The thing is, when I do manage to put the exact copy from my brain on to the table, it's not organized or as elegant as it seemed.

story of my life.

I love and stuff.

2008-06-07T03:04:00.001-06:00

Even during the best of highs, the lowest of the low.

Love the one that may meet you half-way, the one that even if the chick from whoresville-that-you-wouldn't-mind-doing was down. And while avoiding all temptation AND hope. You can't stop but to wonder. Because knowing she's not there makes it all go away. You realize you still love her. The way you did from ultimate beginning and end.

Poetry slam, you're mine.

Trying something new.

2008-06-02T23:43:00.001-06:00

1ad, this is the tag on my flickr profile... www.flickr.com/photos/kumaku

that's the tag for the shots that I take for my little personal project. It came to me in a dream almost. It was one of those dreams when all you do is talk. I remember hearing, "You can practically save your entire life in pictures now." So I got an idea to take a picture of something for that day. Being no professional photographer, it will serve as a visual timeline for me.

I'm still feeling wierd about melina, I still have dreams when I wake up hoping she is there still. I still wake up knowing nothing I can do will change much, all I want though is to be able to get up and run. Run for the sake of running, running for a purpose, to find some place where I can just be.

So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to run. Run or cycle.

Recently too, I've been driving, walking, bicycling, running faster than normal. I don't want to know how it relates, but fuck it, I'll figure it out later/eventually.

Guess who's back.

2008-06-01T00:58:00.001-06:00

All the while, I kind of hoped that when she came back from the boat ride, she'd come back to me. The rational side of me said that wasn't going to happen, but my heart kept the mood in check by believing it. Still they fought for complete dominance. I knew deep inside there was nothing I could do, I knew that being good wasn't going to bring her back. I know that's not the reason. All I know is that's why I have to keep moving. It's just hard to face reality sometimes, but I have to look at it, straight in the eye. It has to be done.

It's funny, I had that hope, that Hollywood hope. You know, that type that tells you that everything is going to turn out like in the movies. She goes off on her own, finds something, then comes back to you after discovering that you weren't in shambles and realizing that she'd made a big mistake... dun, dun, DUUUUN!

But that's not going to happen, this is life, it's now, it hurts, and there's nothing I can do to change the past.

Quite honestly, I wish she was still with me. Quite honestly I know I am a fool for still believing in magic, quite honestly I don't give a damn. I just have to keep looking forward.

It sucks.

Not looking for it.

2008-05-29T13:15:00.001-06:00

Damn, that's all I can say. I was peaking into the saved pictures on my old memory card. My nephew and niece are cute, especially a year ago, almost to the day. It's funny to see these pictures, fun to see them grow up in pictures. What I didn't expect was, and in so dramatic vein, a picture of her and me. It was happy, fun, and the time stamp was June 3rd. Just one year ago, almost to the day.

Looking and our pictures, we had fun. It's hard to let them go. You can tell in our smiles, we were in love. We were going to be together for a while. I still look at my favorite picture of us, it makes me smile and break apart all at once.

I just hope she knows I did have a great time.

If you want to be happy...

2008-05-27T22:15:00.001-06:00

..For the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. In my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.

Well, at least a decent one. Not the pretty one that you had once and can't get out of your head.

I think that's what I need. A pretty girl with an ugly girls' personality. Or maybe an ugly girl with a nice rack. Either one is a-o-kay.

Well, it's official, little girls don't like me.
"Mommy, who's that?" [aww, my coworker's daughter takes interest in what mommy does.]

"That's Carlos." [so mommy says]

"Oh" [....and, you might be, cute little girl?]

"I don't LIKE Carlos" [WTF! WTF little girl?!, who said you were so awesome, well, you are sporting that lovely pink sweater]

(I make a degrading joke and go back to work with tears in my eyes)

But seriously. If I didn't have such a good sense of humour I'd be in shambles and expecting an apology and maybe a card, and those really big smarties.

Going to the gym is a huge obstacle every day, always that burden for me, but I know I have to go, it makes me happy when I go. I need to get a calendar or something so I can do something after, I feel if I cross out each day it will go faster somehow.

I just dialed Melina's number by mistake/habit. After doing so, I didn't feel like crying or anything. I guess I'm slowly, slowly, slowly "getting over" it. Though, I know this will ultimately haunt me, and will never leave me. But at least I won't be fazed when I see her driving or something. I'm better than that.

Being stupid

2008-05-26T14:46:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite pastimes has always been Being Stupid. Wether it's intentional or 'foar the hoard!'

It has followed me from my youth. Playing stupid when sitting in class, pretending to listen and learn stuff I already knew. Being stupid not realizing that getting chicks is much more than about "being that quiet, intelligent, oh-so-mysterious guy in the corner". Playing stupid to get out of trouble. Not realizing my words can have a deeper understanding to most people. Realizing, that some people ARE dumb enough to believe my stupidity. Stupidly assuming people are smarter/dumber than they seam. Stupidly realizing that I probably shouldn't fight fire with fire.

Stupid about my health.

Stupid about my grades.

Stupid about my relationship(s)

But, in all of this, I really have no regrets. I've been torn apart, beaten up, and layed to waste. My mind says to give up and go get some eggo's, but my heart. My heart, sometimes, confused with my mind, it says to keep doing what I'm doing, live the adventure, and hope that anyone I meet will be happy.

I have everything I need. All I want is someone who is willing to be stupid with me.

Dinosaur Comics

2008-05-22T00:02:00.001-06:00

I've been going through the Dinosaur Comics all day now. Their funny. I don't think they should be read through like this though. There's something about them I like, I guess it's the fact that they remind me of Jesus's comics when we were in pre-cal. Funny stuff.

http://www.qwantz.com/

I saw Prince Caspian, good stuff. I started laughing late in the movie at something that wasn't supposed to be funny. "Common" that's all Einjo said.

For some reason, every time I go to the movies I expect to find Melina there. I still want her to be mine, I still love her. Hopefully I won't look like a bitch when we talk tomorrow.

I'm sore as hell.

After work.

2008-05-18T01:11:00.001-06:00

After work I reach for my pocket, unlock my phone, and dial.

5. That was her speed dial. All that comes to mind, "Fuck, now what?" I got bummed out.

...

Change, it's amazing.

2008-05-17T01:10:00.001-06:00

Just browsing through my bookmarks. I ran accross this,
http://www.vimeo.com/451895

It's amazing, so much change, but there are things that stay the same. It's inspiring.

I just wish I could take it in stride. You know, not expect that every call or text was from her. Just have everything, ever not be connected to her in some way. It's a bit execcive and it depresses me, not enough to make me so sad anymore, but you know. It bothers me, it makes me feel uneasy. It makes me feel like it was abrupt and almost not worth it.

On the 22nd I'll have lunch with her, I want it to be fun and carefree. I want to talk about stuff, anything. I still love her, but I have to move on and remember all of the good stuff.

Getting it all out.

2008-05-16T12:33:00.001-06:00

Because tomorrow is another day.

I always told myself it wouldn't hurt this badly. I never expected it to hurt this badly. It's kind of when you get a shot, you expect the pain, you expect it to swell then go away. But when you finally get pumped with the medicine, it hurts more than you could imagine, but you just have to give a good face and not look like a bitch in front of the cute phlebotomist.

so why did I post such emo things? Well, it's because it meant more to me than anything else, EVER. I decided to make them public, so I can have a timeline, to show me later that I do have a soul. That I can love passionately, with conviction, and selflessly.

Today is a new day. I've always tried to live life a day at a time. I still am, I just feel I have no direction.

I still love her. I still want her. I still need her. But she's gone. I can accept that. We talked, she promised me it wasn't my fault and that any decision she'd make it would be by her own self doing. I'm never going to believe that, I know I could have done better, I just don't know how. But now she's gone, all I can hope for is that she'll be happy.

Please, everyone, be happy.

T-T-Translation.

2008-05-15T17:44:00.001-06:00

I felt sadness when I realized that it wasn't a dream.
That it was true that you had left my life forever.
Realities woke me up and it was the death of my joy and my illusions of not losing you.
It's no reason why I felt the tired feeling of your kiss.
I asked if you still loved me,
and with silence, you answered my question.
If the truth is so divine, why did you lie?

I did everything possible so that one day you would love me the way I needed.
Alas, in the end of things, my love you had, and with a tiny bit of your love, I would have settled for.
And you never even gave me a goodbye when you left, and still I thought it was a dream.
I woke me to my realities and it was my painful death. And your absence was, for my existence, the cruelest poison.

I've never thought she was a Bitch.

2008-05-15T17:20:00.001-06:00

"Don't worry I was probably one of her stupid friends"

I just saw something I probably was never meant to see. Now it seems all hope is lost. Bad timing I guess. )-';

[full size: http://flickr.com/photos/kumaku/2495870210/sizes/l/ ]

Earlier I had been talking about how my stomach stopped turning when I saw her picture, saw her name, said her name, or even thought about her. I was starting to make the distinction from my hellish sleep these past two nights, and the real world that I live in. But, as I drove to Circuit City, I didn't expect this.

These past two nights have been rough. I wake up in the middle of the night. I lay there, looking at the ceiling, wondering if everything we once had is "officially" done. My dreams are full of stuff I had never been prepared for. Stuff she said would never happen. I wake up and realize I'm alone.

What makes me depressed is that, I was right. I knew this would happen, for her and for her friends it would be a day of relief and freedom. For me it's a day of anxiety and reprise.

Such contradicting realities. One joyous rebirth, another a morose bereavement.

Just yesterday, my brother said, "When it rains, it pours."

But don't think twice. It's alright.

2008-05-13T02:51:00.001-06:00

It just get's tighter. Kind of like when you're hyperventilating but you just can't calm that rush of adrenaline that piles up right at your sternum. Now it just hurts, eventually though. It will strengthen, just become a tightened mass, nothing being able to penetrate or damage it.

So far, it's been rough. They say the first 3 days are the hardest when you quit anything. It feels as if time stops. Every second that passes, it gets exponentially further. No hope for it to come back.(depending on who you are it can be good or bad)

Every second, I can remember something. A moment, it flashes. It's never anything bad, just random. A hug here, a blank stare, a hair, a white hair, the bear on the bed, ahead in the lunch line. Near the lane, a song in my ear, the subtle fear during a movie. Her face at night, while we talked. While she talked. Listening, wanting, leading, learning, fearing, smiling, laughing, walking. Everything.

I hope it's not like I am picturing it, I would be sad.

I don't know.

2008-05-12T11:32:00.001-06:00

While I read the newspaper during my Monday morning routine, the white starts to disappear and the text in front of me starts floating away. I'm just looking at them, none of it really matters at this point. My heart is calling me, telling me to wake up and get loves defibrillator. I can't though. I don't know where to find one, I'm now at a loss.

Knowing, knowing, KNOWING. Knowing you never had any of it. It breaks it. The thing is, I called it out. I said it. Word by word, action by action. In detail, at least once and in general terms, countless. I guess that's why my eyes are only puffy and I'm not in complete shambles.

So, when do I manage to keep living? I think I've already started. Maybe I started a few months ago, I don't know.

I'm calm and collected. Only, there is this tension I can't get rid of, my chest feels tight and I'm having trouble concentrating. Not because I am distraught of knowing the outcome. But, because I don't know.

Every time I breath out, I can feel it. I just won't know until.

Jealousy: A new frontier

2008-04-27T01:42:00.000-06:00

This weekend my girlfriend went to a Kanye West concert in Albuquerque. I miss her, I wish she wasn't far away, but she's with her parents, brother, and a friend. I guess it's a normal feeling. This helped me realize something, something that has been stowed away deep in my intimate emotions I have towards Melina. I'm jealous of her fantasies, mainly because she, somehow meets all of mine.

I won't say that I haven't fallen in lust with various... countless... movie actresses and other women, but any time I do think about that, I always count my blessings and realize I have a companion that can't be beat.

For the past two and a half years I've done this.

I'm not the jealous type, I really don't care if she talks to guys, goes to party with her friends, or if she says, "This guy hit on me today and he was really funny, charming, and good looking." (Okay, she's never said that, exactly) None of it really bothers me, I know the game, If the bitch don't have a ring, she's available. But I trust her, she trusts me, and we're happy.

Lately, I've come to notice that she is particularly weak against certain, physical and personal attributes in the opposite sex. It started with a comment, in laymans terms it was, "I like black guys." TO ME, it sounded like, "I'm going to ditch your fat-ass for a black guy". I don't know why, it's not that I'm racist or prejudice, or have anything against black guys, but the fact that MY girlfriend is into a certain group of adult males, it struck a nerve. At that point I felt vulnerable, I mean, black guys are good looking. So like any other guy, I just put up a tough guy attitude, laughed it off, and let it claw at me from the inside.

Then, the rain came. It started to go into detail.

"(Some singer/actor/deuchebag that I've never heard of) is so sexy"

"OMG, freekin' sexy voice"

"He is so sexy I'd marry him"

"When I marry sexy (insert famous black guy)..."

Then, she twittered:

"Oh my god Pharrel williams is fckn sexy as hell!!! Ay!!! I'll

give him a lap dance for free even though i cant do that shit..."

WTF! I want to be sexy too! [I'm cracking up, writing this, you know, to offset the tears]

It's not like she's never told me that another actor is good looking. But, the fact that I have no idea who the hell she's referring to, makes me uneasy, it brings that human aspect to them. Like she's going to go see them and do something. It doesn't help that it's just about looks. It's never, "I think he is a great guy and I want to have lunch with him and talk about subjects that affect us emotionally." I take that back, THAT would completely demoralize me. ):

Good night.

[The thing is that I know Melina CAN get good looking guys, and CAN be a flirt. Then, when you compare me to the caliber of people she can attract. Add on top that she has particular tastes. Also note that I'm not exactly the most attractive/smooth cereal/cool person out there. Then add that this feeling does demoralize, weaken, and saddens me....]

I'm sad now.

Taking it hard like I knew I would.

2008-04-16T03:13:00.001-06:00

I've been having a lot of trouble just sitting down and listening. Listening to anything. Listening to TV, music, or people. It's not that I can't focus, I just can't pay attention knowing that there are so many things that have to be solved. I'm not at peace. I want to say it's because there is something wrong in my life, or that the stress of school (and success..) is hatching away at me. But it's not any of that.

I'm at a loss, a stump.

It's hard to figure it out. It's not my music choice. It's not the compassion of others. It's not the way people are drawn away from me. It's not unwittingly losing 3hrs of sleep a night due to an increased metabolism after strenuous exercise. And it's definitely not a burn out. It's because I'm a whinny bitch that needs to just to my thing.

I want to do the poetry contest, I think it already passed, but I still want to write a poem. A poem about anything. So watch out for my less than appalling poetry that might spring up on twitter or here.

I like spring weather.

About me:

2008-03-26T03:36:00.001-06:00

I have a silly mind, people don't like me sometimes because I tend to find humour in life.

I've laughed at a funeral,
I've laughed at a clown crying,
I've laughed at a kid crying.
I laugh when people fall,
I laugh when people notice,
I laugh when I get nervous,
I laugh when I get sad,
I laugh when I am thinking.
I laugh at people laughing,
I laugh at most anything.
But most of all,
I laugh at myself (-:

Also, I tend to record my life on the internet, both in the moment and recapped in time.
That way people will see what a moron I am before they approach me IRL.
www.twitter.com/kumaku
www.kumaku.blogspot.com

Q: Which Evil Robot is Most Evil? A: All Of Them

2008-03-25T13:37:00.001-06:00

Check out Mahalo's exhaustive, slightly nerdy guide to the Best Evil Robots of all time.

read more | digg story

Being Alone is Not Loneliness

2008-03-15T22:03:00.004-06:00

I wish The Beatles were a bit more morose with some of their songs, wtf is it that you can wish all of it was true, only you can't understand why there would even be question that he was actually falling and not under some weird narcotic?

Music, I've been listening to much of it, and I know I'm going to sound dull and repetitive but it's true, it's what makes the soul cry out and realize it is still living in a person that CAN do anything they want and WONT do it because of fear, lack of passion, heavy breathing, smelling funny, and thinking somber thoughts. I think it tries to come out of your chest, right to the left of the heart. THANK GOD for my sternum...

I wish when people did something that they think will help them, they didn't publicly admit that they are trying hard to keep it in and that they should have a toffee for doing so.

I'm done, the lights are on and Sad But True just started playing on my iPod.

Feeling Emo, Not in a Gay Way

2008-03-15T21:21:00.002-06:00

there needs something to be said about that "girl you met in the kitchen" the one that understands wtf you're talking about after a deadly cocktail of medicine, booze, and good times(?) She is the one that said it best when you brought up childhood and chilly.

When do you get to meet this girl again, why are you oddly drawn to her, it couldn't be anything physical. Certainly NOT anything emotional. (maybe) But why is she still existing in your head, my guess is that it's relative to what has been happening for a long time now, something you don't want to admit and certainly not anything that can lead to even more confusion [I think it is confusion] and definately not anything that can rock the foundation.

Limitless possibilities and gentle agony are all she's worth. Only, if you were to go back to that same time, by going back and I don't know, recording it, would it be something that you could have predicted or something that you have to admit to yourself and others *cough* voices in my head *cough* that maybe it is worth it to live in the confusing posibilities that is life and that one person is the one who can possibly organize and fuse to the, by then, self-limiting potential of someone who CAN understand.

Know what I mean?

Wal-Mart

2008-03-03T10:54:00.003-07:00

Working at wal-mart has shown me that people can find ANY reason to complain. The air smells like fabric softener, "Can you make it stop?" sure thing miss, i'll just gather up all the atoms of fucking softener that have been released.

and another thing, wtf, am i really that sad and ugly? FUCK! at least one i should have. never shall i go out and make it a reallity,
I wonder what her last name was, we were getting along so well, ha! it's a sign.

Hopefully the sober me will give some sorta answers on most of this. I hate the truth.

but really, wtf is it?

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky

2008-02-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

Jeff Foxworthy Beef Jerky
Originally uploaded by kumaku

I found this ridiculicius treat at my local Big 8, VERRY local

The Saddest YTMND ever

2007-11-19T12:22:00.001-07:00

A short story about Animal Crossing

read more | digg story

49% on expert

2007-11-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

Well, i've done it, in 2 short weeks ive managed to spend all of the christmas money i had put aside on things for me.

A laptop and guitar hero 3. Both of which are not helping my productivity at all. oh well

it sucks typing this up on a laptop, i wonder how those people do it at school. I mean, they at least have to average 300 words per coment, why else would they be so studious during class...

49% on expert dragonforce only after 3 days.

I dont know why this is such a crap entry, just felt like trying this horrible laptop keyboard out.

The Hell If I Wasn’t Getting a Hotdog

2007-09-20T09:28:00.000-06:00

So in commemoration of our wonderful school, we were given hotdogs and juice for, you know, “kicks”.

The whole morning I had waited for this event, when I walked on campus I saw a stainless steel grill just yelling out “use me, use me, but just don’t abuse me” and the opening flames were to be prepared right after my first class. As the discussion of parliament, taxes, and football grew to a close, my anticipation of a cheap hotdog could no longer stay inside and I messaged everyone I knew who could possibly take some action for the opportunity. As class was dismissed I rushed out of building C and darted towards… the end of an epic line.

Being at the end of a free-hotdog-line is a peculiar thing. Everyone there is out for a free lunch, what they don’t tell you, is that it’s not free at all. You try and make some sort of conversation with the person in front; all you get is a cold shoulder and a shot at your self-esteem. Then, you try and calm yourself down by telling yourself, “I’ll get my hotdog by my 11:30 class.” But when you realize the stupid bird you had been watching hop around is done with his business on the grass and you are no where within eye shot of the grill, you start to feel a bit, uneasy. As a strange tension starts developing around your stomach, you start to weigh out the consequences.

“The quizzes ARE only worth 1%.”

“Ok, I’m moving 3 people a minute, by the time I get my hotdog AND prepare it, it should give me about 15 seconds to sprint to class, and only be… 5min late”

“mmm…hotdog, but then again, what are you really getting; some terrible remains of what is essentially dog food made for human consumption? Then again, it is FREE.”

“To sprint I SHALL!”

As I settle in a spot within reach of the tables, the “band” starts to set up. Essentially it is two older fellows with a keyboard, sound equipment, their guitars, and the heart of the most rocking rockers EVAR! As I see them set up, I make stupid jokes in my head about how one of them looks mildly retarded. I even laugh out loud. “I mean, just look at his white sneakers, the black pants, and that colorful windbreaker. I mean, COMMON man, have some pride, and take…those…brown, pilot-shades………….off… You do suffer from a mental illness, don’t you?” The guy is literally ill; I am shocked at my own thoughts. When did I turn into a terrible person? To make amends, I put some change in their cup. (Hopefully it wasn’t their juice cup and to be fair, they did mean covers from Bread)

I move past the band, it is my time to shine, oh glorious days. The atmosphere was singing, it was my turn for a hotdog. Due to all of the anticipation of a FREE hotdog, the feelings of reward turned into a reminiscent nervousness familiar to those who have shoplifted. As I grabbed my dog, it was amazing for it to be FREE, FREE as in speech. Tears came to my eyes after the first bite; I was finally free to see the world. Then I ran, ran as fast as a cheetah on the hunt, spilled some juice and ran. I inhaled my hotdog; it was worth it, even after missing the quiz.

But, there was always the sweetness of the Rice Krispy I had in my pocket.

It's that time of day...

2007-09-13T14:31:00.001-06:00

3 hours of down time until my favorite class, nutrition!!!

Why is it ftw?

35 Girls, 3 guys, someone has to come out a winner. Too bad one of the guys is WAY better looking than i am. But i'm not beating myself up, i have a flashdrive around my neck and nerdy jokes.

It's funny, when that better looking guy was absent, all of the ladies looked like they rather do eachother than talk to me. It almost seemed to me that they were trying not to make eye contact, it's a terrible feeling when you have low self-esteem. But after seeing the 2 girls make out wildly pulling their hair and spitting in eachothers mouths, it made me wonder why they refused to talk to me.

I'm sleepy.

Giving up

2007-09-12T18:38:00.000-06:00

I'm giving up the whole # post thing. I've figured out that Tittles of stuff really add to the feeling of writing. Of course if you had been paying attention and not been a jackass, you would of noticed that most of my entrys have a tittle in the first line.

Either way i'm giving up.

Giving up, makes you think. I've given up on alot of stuff. Given up on EE as a carreer, given up on trying to explain to people wtf the difference in LCD and plasma are, and mostly given up on trying to avoid my hobby. I need this space on the internet, i need to express myself and have no one hear me, have to let loose and have some words make a convoluted message mean something to me, realize i dont have all the answers.

I need to give up on trying to hold on to past dreams that will not come true. They won't simply because i'm "not that guy".

!!

Algun dia

2007-07-19T23:56:00.001-06:00

Algun dia
Originally uploaded by El Pelos Briseño

Awsome pick.

Makes me wonder if it is all worth it in the end for many of them.

Melina and Me - Head Shot

2007-06-24T03:42:00.001-06:00

Melina and Me - Head Shot
Originally uploaded by kumaku

At an 80's themed party, that only melina and I dressed up for. Kind of old but I like this pic

67th Post

2007-06-11T19:27:00.000-06:00

I am in school once again.

School, it's going good. Life in general is going good. Except for my job hunt. I really wish I wasn't picky and took the job pushing carts. Fuck it.

I am thinking of making a new blog, focused on short conversations with people. I ask questions, they answer, I put up the transcript, and put something sweet about them.
I was thinking about first starting small, such as a teacher or someone with a profession, then going up to bigger fish like the mayor and representatives.

But, who would read it? Would you? I would, if someone is already doing this.

I was thinking about this project when I realized that much of our age group has little involvement in their society. What gives, age group? Too good enough for me society? FOR SHAME!

good stuff

Flickr

2007-05-13T20:54:00.001-06:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

RIAA lawsuit hits family with no computer or Internet access

2007-03-14T23:54:00.001-06:00

"I don't understand this," James Walls told his local paper, the Rockmart Journal. "How can they sue us when we don't even have a computer?" ... It's not hard to believe however, as the RIAA has in the past filed a lawsuit against a dead woman.

read more | digg story

66th Post

2007-03-01T23:13:00.000-07:00

Journey to the center of happiness

As i come closer and closer to my scheduled flight, things happening around me make me feel like running towards the golden terminal. It seems like the closer i get to going home, the more things happen that make me feel like not going. Stress, it seems like part of life. No shit aye?

First of all, I need to re-register for next semester, and the only days to do that are next week during my trip in El Paso. This is forcing me to beg some stupid bitch to let me register tomorrow, or when i come back. Because you know, I am not cutting my break short. Mainly because i want to get drunk. Then, my tax information came, my current schedule starts a week earlier than everyone else, my truck needs a tune up, i haven't gone to work at all this week, i need money, i need to deposit a check, and I am angry at someone....

But when i look back at it. I have to ask, Is this what being a grown up means? Constant stress, make or break type stuff?

I'm guessing it is. I love shit like that.

Keep it real.
(:

Man sues little girl after hitting her with his bike and falling over

2007-03-01T18:40:00.001-07:00

What an asshole...

read more | digg story

Why are people fascinated by photographs of crowds?

2007-02-27T00:14:00.001-07:00

This blog provides commentary and analysis on images of crowds, looking at why our eyes are drawn to certain kinds of crowd formations. Why do some crowds seem disturbing, and others natural? How does composition affect our responses?

read more | digg story

65th Post

2007-02-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit

Finals are this week. I already took my English paper, which was a joke, litteraly. Some of the answers were "Tell your mom" "Hit your friend" or "If you answer with this you will get it wrong". Fun stuff and shit but it makes me wonder how many people will answer the question with the wrong answer. But the fun is over for me, Tuesday is going to suck with the 2 most important tests of the season. First is C++ and if you keep up with my nonsense you know that i don't pay much attention, dislike it, and generally surf Digg instead of write code. Now it is officially coming to bite me in the ass. I'm lucky this test is going to be multiple choice. As for electronics, yeah, good luck with that shit, but thanks to some hard work and decent luck, i only have to get a 40% to pass with a 70. So I'm aiming for an 80 to pass with an 85. Goooooooooooooooooo, ME!

So if you were thinking, "Carlos, you're already in finals, does this mean that you can come to El Paso and make sweet sweet love to me?" Yes, in fact I'm going home for a week. Hopefully i can get to see some friends, do shit, and fuck around. Sounds fun, eh?

As for now, I'm going to study, but really I'm going to go pass ACE-COMBAT 4 and cram in the morning.

BYE

All-Day Breakfast Is Coming To McDonald's?

2007-02-21T23:37:00.001-07:00

Of course McDonald's corporate is denying it, but the franchisees are saying that the recent overhauls to McDonald's kitchens are a prelude to one thing: All-day breakfast.

read more | digg story

64th Post

2007-02-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

Who knew I was part of the web?

Once again I wasn't doing my homework and while drinking a ridiculously over sized Mountain Dew I decided to see what parts of my online identity were popular in 'teh googles'.

So, I search for kumaku and to my surprise i get get my Digg profile as #1. WOW. But me being the glory whore i wish i was, i naturally wanted more. So i kept digging for more occurrences where my nickname wasn't some guy from Japan. Around the 4th page I came across a blog from Wired. It turns out people DO read comments on Digg articles that have only have +1.
http://blog.wired.com/monkeybites/2007/01/swag_we_want_bs.html

This makes me happy. REALLY happy, this guy doesn't understand how cool this is to me. Even if I was a mere bridge for a bigger connection this really shows how small the internet can really become.

You see, the Wired blog is part of my Google homepage. I see that homepage at least 3 times a day. How that one post managed to escape me is really something of an odd thing, I like all the blogs from Wired and if i wasn't so much of a cheap ass, I would subscribe to that magazine.

I come to think about it. The whole, Technology news reporting intrigues me. Maybe some day i may have the writing ability to have a steady audience.

Good times.
(:

63rd Post

2007-02-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

Mr Nieto

That's what the kids call me. It's actually cool because they give me that respect they give teachers and unfortunately talk shit behind my back, but i don't care. I'm Mr. Nieto.
"Mr. Nieto, can you help me with my uber hard trig stuff" SOITENLY, ña-ña-ña. It feels good to help those kids.

I say kids like they are 10 year olds. In reality i think some of them have done more coke than i have. It's funny being in a class full of dumn ass kids. Most days while making fun of the retard kid who thinks that old faded jeans, an old faded denim shirt, a "Thin Lizzie" shirt, and PERMED hair is the look to go with; I look back and say to myself, "I hope i wasn't that much of a tool when i was a freshman"
[A side note about that kid. Fuck he pisses me off. Ok, this kid is one of those dumn shit guys who thinks he is smart because he manages to get the meaning of fucking "The Matrix" (i know, i know it's an old analogy but still a classic benchmark). The reason he pisses me off is that he really thinks he is in the same league as the "Cute" girl in class. This dumn shit will go up to her, make "casual" conversation about, her hair being better today than yesterday while he flips his hair out of his face that somehow manages to highlight his overbite crooked excuse for a smile. Cut your hair hippy!]

So i was on myspace (SHOCK!) and i started thinking. How many of those kids i tutor have one of these god-forsaken-excuse-for-a-social-life-site-thing-dash? It turns out, all of them. I am scared to even mention it now. I know one of them will hunt me down and buddy me up then mention it in class, thus making a weird uncomfortable situation between all of us, until i hit up the hawt chick in class making me the king of the school!

or maybe i'm just full of it.

-!!

What does 200 calories looks like?

2007-02-19T13:49:00.001-07:00

Some foods have significantly more calories than others but what does the difference actually look like. Each of the photographs below represents 200 calories of the particular type of food; the images are sorted from low to high calorie density.Snack time souds "fruity" today thanks to that.

read more | digg story

62nd Post

2007-02-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah, i did the digg thing.

That is how much that god forsaken website has taken of me. It literally is part of my day. It takes up most of my surfing time and manages to suck me in even during the most inappropriate times.

Just today i was talking to some women. The whole time i was looking at a followup story about an accordion like couch. I started talking about the couch, then about digg, then about the hat i just ordered that has the Digg logo, then about how i might buy that couch with my money that doesn't go to digg. Then i managed to get them off the phone so i could surf around digg and digg stories and comment on them so people can see my wittiness. Then, 3 hours later i find myself about 1/4th of the way done with the homework i "started"(meaning, opening the word doc) right before i dugg the original story on DIGG!!!!

Then, after realizing how much time has gone by, i get on blogger to blog shit, that leads me to the comment section of the story i dugg earlyer about MGS the movie!!!

I need help.

or a better study habit...

MGS Movie confirmed.

2007-02-18T21:46:00.001-07:00

"I have received many offers to adapt Metal Gear Solid. It has taken a long time, but we have finally settled on an arrangement," Kojima said in a statement. "False facts aside, a movie project is underway. I have finalized a Class-A contract with a party in Hollywood." Lets hope it doesn't suck like other game movies.

read more | digg story

61st? Post

2007-02-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ive been doing funking homework for the past couple of days. The thing is, it is really hard for me to concentrate after i take a 5 minute break. They usually end up turning into, 50min breaks and then i decide to go get a yogurt or make some tea. Later i completely forget about the tea and leave it sitting. I come back to the tea brewer and i have some cold tea. That is annoying. So by doing homework i am not doing homework and i am losing money on tea. That show ain't no good.

I went to jinx.com and bought myself a digg hat. It is pwntastic.

Oh yeah, i got adds. And please ONLY CLICK ON THEM IF YOU HAVE A GENUINE INTEREST IN THE ADD. If not ignore it. It is amazing how simple it is to get them on here. That is true integration by 'teh googles' nj guys.

I was wondering if i should get some ram or a new video card. Anny suggestions? I am going to start watching all the oscar flicks that i missed and playing CS:source.

Back to the "grind"
BYE?!

60th Post

2007-02-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

Clearly, i need to do some work.

One more week until i end my semester, but there is still much to do. I need to finish 2 labs, 2 pre-labs, 1 paper, 10 chapters, 10 tests, 1 C++ lab, Pre-Enrollment, Financial aid stuff, taxes, and i gotta look good for it, not to mention finals. I don't know why i procrastinate so much.

I really think it is because i know i can do it and piling it up seems more...convenient for me. I'm an idiot i guess.

Valentines day was yesterday. I didn't see any love I just got wasted and kicked some ass at video games, but don't worry my homework consoled me. (:

I've been losing most of my productive time on Digg these past couple of days. For some reason i need as many +1's that i can get. It's like crack!

I'm sorry my blog sucks, I have nothing much to say, but for some reason i feel compelled to write something. I think it is because I really do not want to go to lab, though i enjoy it once I'm there it is f'n hard for me to start.

Go read some good blogs.
Peace

59th Post

2007-02-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Digging and such.

I recently started to digg a lot, thats probably the reason why i deceded to do some housekeeping on my blog. TWiT, dl.tv, and diggnation. It has taken over my game time and hard drive space but for some reason ive felt like i owe all of those ex tech tv people more than my clicks on adverts. good stuff coming out of them, they are paving the way for the internets, i'm just glad i am in the middle of this boom.

Nov 2005. thats the date i joined digg. Just now i am taking advantage of it. It really shows how much of a virtual life i have. f

I spoke with my cousin about his time in ft collins, he seems happy, im glad.

My nephew is almost a year old.

I need to call my sister. I miss her.

I dont know why i felt like writing today. G'day.

58th Post

2006-11-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

C+++Me=bored

Yeah, you guessed it, im sitting in the intro to C++, no wonder java dot sucked. but it's pretty funny to see all the people on myspace and other various social networking sites, who knew people still used friendster. To my left a guy trying to stay up, to my right some other guy looking at me write and eat seeds, oh yeah, seeds. Those good one's too, Frito Lay.

Some guy is playing a fusion of streetfighter and fighterjets. It looks fun, i want to play but i got to class late and i got stuck with the crappy computer with a borked mouse. It really wasn't borked when i got here. But i saw an opportunity to save some other guy from using the only trackball in the school. So i decided to clean it, in dooing so i managed to kill its clickability and movement. I just want to go home and play the Sims 2....

I <3 Melina

yes...

57th Post

2006-11-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

We'll see what happens.

A new face, a new time, and a new place. I'm aiming towards updating once a week about random shit that hapens, or mabe if this class gets too boring. C++, ugh.

Well, lets see, DeVry is pretty cool, people are kinda gay outside of the engineering programs. I never knew how intence a Magic game could get... I swear im going to mess up their cards. But for the most part people are nice or at least scared of me.

I miss home, i miss my bed, and i miss not naving to worry about money. But i really miss Melina, she is pimp.

Facebook is the shit.

I've been playing Monopoly non-stop and i looked back at how my cousins and i used to play. Too funny, too funy. Secret passages, credit cards, property wageing, and statues. We had the real market down. Monopoly is the shit, especially because im an idiot and play on the computer.

Craigslist.org, FTW. If you dont know what it is, you don't belong on the internet.

Class is over.

homestarrunner.com
You know you havent checked it in a while, do so.

56th Post

2006-07-30T15:08:00.000-06:00

Man I am a fuck up...

What has happend you say? A lot actually, ive stabbed someones back, someone has stabbed my back, i moved out, i cryed, i loved, i lost, i gave, i received, people hate me, people liked me, people like me, people REALLY hate me, people miss me, people love me, people dont miss me, people are happy, and most importantly, some people want me gone...They won.

God damn it, i am a big loser. It's funny when people start to hate, mainly because when they do i really have no defence to it... Take what i have done over the past couple weeks, don't pretend you havent heard about it. There is no one to blame but me, i lost a good friend, respect, honor, and alot of sprouting friendships. O well, i guess that's life.

Today i heard something that realy hurt, i have no idea what to do, and at the moment no one has told me what happend. I really dont think everyone knows but they will in a couple days, if not hours, lets see who will be cool enough to tell me the details i want to hear. fuck it if they don't. I'm done fucking around. I'm just burnt out, i dont have time to care. I have to worry about surviving in a town where 3 murderers are runing around, i have to go to the store, have to work, school, socialize with new people, clean up, feed myself, work, school, homework, study for the god damn test. It is just too much to even think about. If i can get rid of one thing on my fucking to do list, it would be awsome, but i really dont want to. Fuck it if it happens, i dont give a fuck anymore. But i am willing to keep it IFF there is a chance for the future. It sucks getting rid of somehting in this way, just so abruptly, so dirty, but in the end it was my fault, my own actions led to it. I guess happyness was only in our filtered sleep deprived, lonely, hurt mind and hearts....fuck it, that shit is gay.

As for my Vista safari venture...that was fun. It looks promising and it ran stable on my little box, but I needed something finished and clean, something that wont crap out on me within the next year. I'm glad my school gives me a free copy of office and XP. YAY

Call me if you want.
I dont give a fuck.

55th Post

2006-06-18T01:37:00.000-06:00

Vista FTW!

As probably stated in a past babble, I am constructing a $0250 PC [The extra 0 adds flavour]. Naturally a self proclaimed pirate would just get an Ultimate XP .iso, but I just don't feel like going around the internet for some Windows Updates. So the question comes up; What OS will I use?

LINUX??! [OMG hax!]
Nah, but I did think about it, mabe I will collect some cans to dual boot off another SATA drive. Ubuntu is the distro I would probably use. Even though I do like KDE interfaces a bit more.

OS X?
You nubs, MAC suxors. Not really, I'm just too old to get used to the interface. Besides, I haven't heard of anyone doing this with a "normal" MOBO... I could be wrong though.

"Then what OS will you use ?"
The answer? Windows Vista (Beta 2) Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am going to give you the experience of a lifetime...maybe not. But it will probably be fun, mainly because of the computer I am going to run it on, it may cause me much frustration, and we all know how I get when I get frustraded. Clicken

Here are Windows Certified system requirements for this Beta:

A Windows Vista Capable PC includes at least:

A modern processor (at least 800MHz¹).
512 MB of system memory.
A graphics processor that is DirectX 9 capable

A Windows Vista Premium Ready PC includes at least:

1 GHz 32-bit (x86) or 64-bit (x64) processor¹.
1 GB of system memory.
A graphics processor that runs Windows Aero².
128 MB of graphics memory.
40 GB of hard drive capacity with 15 GB free space.
DVD-ROM Drive³.
Audio output capability.
Internet access capability.

My Rig will be:
1.7Ghz Sempron 64-Bit [I will probably OC to 2.0 GHz....Probably]
A stick of PC 3200 512MB Ram [ Who needs dual channel?]
SATA II 80GB 3.0GB/s HD [I hope it won't blow up!]
GeForce 6200 LE [Homer-esq mmm-hm-mmm?]

There you have it folks, an almost decent machine....how it will run Vista? I really don't know, but you all will read my posts that will cover in detail how I work with Vista, at least until my product key runs out. Every time you see this! " Carlos's Vista (Beta 2) Safari " you will read about my likes and dislikes of Vista.

Why am i doing this?
- I don't know, it's fun to make crap machines work fine. On top of which, I really think this kernel is going to pwn.

As a poor student, I really can't shovel up the money for some benchmarking software, nor do I want to get any type of profesional review. I just really want to show people if Vista might be worth the upgrade. If I can get the damn thing to run some games then I will be happy. I will show FPS stats for some cool games, maybe Americas Army, Command and Conquer, Warcraft, just anything I can get my hands on. But mainly I will use it for school work, surfing the web, and watching media. If Vista can change the way I do stuff, then you will hear about it.

My next post will probably be about the install of Vista.

Who reads this anyway?

LOL!

Vista, you must not know who I am.

54th Post

2006-06-16T16:22:00.000-06:00

JAJAJAJA...Ok, I don't get it.

I think I'm going to end up with a Wii and an X-Box 360. Why? Mainly because of the arrow pointing to the dominance of HD-DVD over blue GAY...Get it? It's a joke! But mainly because of Sony's wanting to be more than a damn "nintendo" i'm talking abou their hopes of replacing a home theatre, desktop, and gaming console. Also, if sony hopes to get my money on their console they better be beating some fabulous gameplay that the Wii will offer. Also, fucking money man, with the price that Sony has announced, i could probly get me a nice dual core gaming rig. Sorry sony, but posibly the only way i will get the PS3 is if A)somone gets it for me [wink wink] B) if it is dropped to a reasonable price. C) MGS4 is PS3 exclusive... Yeah, i know what you guys are thinkning now, "Weren't u the one that said MS is a crap company that doesn't deserve to be in the gaming market"

Yes, i did say that, but look at what they have accomplished for us.
Their LIVE sistem will now cross platform from PC to X-box
[damn fps on console is better fanboys will finally be put down]

They actually managed to make an ALMOST bug free product on their first attempt.

Longhorn (hehe) doesn't seem all that bad, alot of cool fetures seem to be coming out, to HELP the avg user. ZOMG!

Their new design seems to of been reserched alot. Most gamers are in love with the 360 controller, mainly because it WAS developed for bitchy gamers that cant understand good gameplay. Kudos

Now, there are the damn PS3 Fanboys that give me the guff of
"But the prossesor is going to be 4.6ghz and multicore!"
i think,damn that is going to be a fucking expencive "computer". I prefer a computer.

"but you can put full functioning LINUX on them!"...
Big mistake sony. hax, it's all i'm saying...not only the console and other games, but online play will sufer with aimbots and automated bots ruining gameplay... Poor suckers that mine silver the honest way.

I beter see solid snake on the 360 or beter yet. Wii

now to the grown up stuff...

I have no money to pay for college and i don't even know where i'm going to stay out in phoenix...

Funny....

53rd Post

2006-06-01T23:58:00.000-06:00

Yeah, you guessed it, more rants and my "phylosoficul" drivel!

It's all over? Are you serious? So fuckin bad ass. I can't stop laughing at the fact that i am an "adult". I have to become a functional part of society, i dont want people eating me when i die! I need to be mummified and be in a museum standing all pimp. Yeah, thats it. But for now i need to make all my school arrangements and acctually go. Why is it so scarry that in a months time i will no longer be in my cubby hole, secure with all the stuff i need, with all the people i like, just to be sent to hells wating room by myself in a city i dont know, with only my school work to keep me company...hell, no wonder i don't want to leave! JAJAJAJA. i thnk its funny so sthu. But i guess it's something every person is thinknig about at this time. Even the people staying here, they are probably wondering what now? What, SERIOUSLY NOW, what the fuck am i going to do with my life!?!!!?!?!?!?!!? *!!*$&%)@( @# homerow asdf;lkj wink ;)

Right now i'm looking for a job, anywhere other than a damn call center, but i think the force is too much. I see a hypnotizing cycle, graduate from hs, go to echostar, make ok bank, study buisness/communications/partying at UTEP. Totally worth it. I really hope it's not. I'm looking for a job at the Geek Squad, Comp USA, (Crappy nerd job). I rather do that than go back to a call center. They=debil

My cousins b-day is on june 6th

I need to relieve some stress, lets go....

To peter piper
Paintball
Have a beer
Talk about old times
Fuck ;)
Play Nintendo
Play Monopoly
Light shit on fire.

Anyone up for that stuff? I guess not...

Thinking right now, is it really important for people to find out what i am thinknig? Will anyone reply to this? Even if they don't i really don't expect anyone to do so, after all this blog has always been a place for me to vent on current events. MySpace sucks.

Ya'll take it easy.

i suck at writing :(

52nd Post

2006-03-18T00:46:00.000-07:00

Friends will always let you down. Family is the only thing you can depend on.

Pissed isnt the word to described it. Neither is angry for that matter. Not even frustrated, let's just say that i am lost. Again. Fuck. But this time i feel even more alone, more separated, and more confused. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I think i am bitter. Yea, thats the word. Bitter. I can't smile. I can't recieve the good things without looking at the bad. I don't know why. I am just being a steriotipical HS person. We have to go through it, some of us hide it very well. But onece again ill use my blog to vent. What to say about my situation right now......
I am not sure if i have any friends. I feel like no one is giving me the time to talk, everyone seems to of forgotten about me. No one has called. Yea, it's a bit emo, but you can just shut the fuck up. No one remembers old carlos. And my couple of "Friends" havent spoken to me or even tryed to. Which sucks because i know they have gone out and shit. No one even cares to give me the time of day. Im not pissed. Nor sad, or even disturbed about this. I knew it was going to happen, but why does it bother me, that it ISN'T bothering me? It's kind of hard for me to care about anything. Once again, bitter.

It's funny how little i know my "friends" even the close ones. It is funny that you can acctually count on one hand the ammount of people i have had a good conversation, im not saying a deep or intimate one, just a decent conversation. It is really pathetic if you think about it. But its my fault. I am antisocial, anti-derivitive ;-), and a big fucking prick ass pussy. Fuck me.

My name is Depresio. And the few people that do read this. Will do so on their own terms. Only caring about making themselves feel better when they say something nice and I give a fake smile. Fucking self-serving mofo's :) [Yea, it may not be all of you, i know who is true. Ty, but dont worry im just being an emo child right now. ^_^]

What more can i say.

All my "friends" are self-serving pricks like me. but fuck, sometimes you just need to fucking actually CARE. I know i do, i try so hard to make everyone confortable, be fair, and just be a FRIEND. I don't even care if people notice, but damn. It sure would be nice if I didn't have to beg someone to hang out with them. Im not pissed, or angry. Im just trying to make cence of it all.

Everything i do, i do it from the heart. People don't know that. Just thought it put it on the table

"....but i tell you; This whole time I never did find out if he was on drugs or just retarded. Well, good night :-)"

51st Post

2006-03-08T20:15:00.000-07:00

Just looking into her eyes....then I realize I forgot to notice her smile.

So much to say, so little will on my part to elaborate on my melody. So I'll make it short, sweet, and a little dirty. Meaning in list form.

1. Goin to DeVry (Yea, i know....)
2. My mp3 player wen't to hell. That bastard couldn't handle my work load. The FUck up.
3. MySpace has ruined what little hope i had of my fellow man.
4. Dog Fight 4
5. I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

Im also very sick. I hope it goes away soon. More recently though. I had to make a PowerPoint Presentation. Turns out I'm not very creative.

What to say though. Lots of stuff, but that's all it is. Stuff. Nothing really exciting, nothing entertaining, nothing. I'm just living my life. I could open up and give random bablings about something that has struck me as "Important", but i feel like shit, and not much higher-thinking could be done with me having to blow my nose for every line i write. But then again, when have i run away from self deprevision and mutilation?

FSM
Oh yes... It's offencive, moking, and oh soooooooooooooo, true.

I know some people will not get it, but for those of you who do i agree with what he is doing. Why should beliefs like that be force fed down our throughts. Its funny to think that people will say "You can't prove crap with this", but the fact is that some of these evangelics will not get it either. They are contradicting themselves with this. If ID is taught in schools, what stops people from teaching Scientology in the classroom. It all seems silly, but the narrow minded and stuborn will go crazy trying to put a lid on what is happening. (As i said, random bablings.)

Im to pissed with my nose to keep writing.

Don't be afraid to post comments.

50th Post

2006-01-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

50th post and what do i have to show for it?

I just read something. Chappa's blog. Funny how philosophical that guy can be. But it wasn't his technique, or grammar. Hell, it wasn't his charisma either. Just the damn points he mentiond. He is a graduate, he is missing what once was a neat little childhood. Funny to think that will be me at post 100. lol. Hard to imagine me in one year from now. College just comes ever closer. Secretly, i really don't think anyone will care that i'm gone. I convince myself that people do consider me a friend that they will miss. I hope so.

Man, it's hard to think right now. It feels weird. I'm thinking but then again it just seems kind of pointless compared to everything else that is going on. Everyone is rushing and hoping to do something with their lives. For the 1% of you that acctually took the advice that your Senior friends gave you...kudos to you. But for the rest of us, yea, even Mr./Mrs. top 10....WTF are we doing??????! We have procrastinated and now we are really screwed.lol WTF is a MAJOR, a MINOR???? How the hell do we expect to know where the class is at? Panic. Thats what im feeling.

My car broke down. It sux because i wont get another one...and no it wasn't my fault.

Im just really feeling...not depressed. Just a little blue. I don't know why.

NOthing more to comment on. Im just thinking as usual and that's about it.

GG guys.

49th Post

2006-01-01T03:37:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, some news.

I couldn't find my time card. From that moment I knew it had hit the fan.

FIRED, yea, i got fired. It sux, but I am not at all shacken by it. It was a funny story really.

The Story: (Skip this if you are a jerk :P)

I couldn't find my time card. From that moment I knew it had hit the fan. It started the first day, your first enemys. You go in, find out the bitches from the ho's from the retarded. Easy work, boring work, bull shit work. I always made sure my co-workers knew what was on my mind, wether it would concern the bitch at the front or how stupid some of these "Executive" employee's were. It would all get said to my fellow patron to my left or my right. The way most of these tools would either end up getting fired because of bloated salaries and end up at EchoStar. How the you-know-that-bitch-is-a-whore's is going to end up with that guy she was in love with in HS and then fuck one last time just for her to get pregnant and then have the guy deny ever knowing the girl...at least she has a fancy job paying $9.50.

Then one day, Mr. SAT came around. The conversation:

!!: I'm not going to be able to make it to work on Sat
Head Manager: Are you still on your 2 week training?
!!:Yea, but I have to take the SAT on saturday.
HM: Yeah, that changes things, I'll write your make up here so there won't be any problems.
!!(Almost saddend that I wouldn't have to quit): Ok, great

Later...

Floor Walker (those are the one's that give you shit if you are being a prick): Ok, you are free to go home
!!:SWEET!!!!

FW: Make one survey and you can go home
(I complete my survey)
!!:SWEET!!!!

FW: AH-34?
!!:Yea
FW: You can go home
!!:SWEEKT!!!!

Yea, I was OK at my job. But I never onece stayed for extra hours. I reached over minimum, but I never stayed the full shift. AND I NEVER HIT THE MUTE BUTTON TO GOD.

Official Reason for Termination... "Failed to complete training during probation period"
(WTF, Isn't training 2 weeks?WTF? I WAS ON PROBATION!??)

REAL reason... I'm a prick! w00t!

(Teh, cliffs!)
Yea, the guy's I would systematically bash, were the same fucks who would review my preformance. Yea, I didn't ask questions. I didn't care. Now I'm looking for a keg in celebration. I'll pay to fill up.

The new year...

Yea I hope this year goes easy on me. I know it wont, but I like that word...hope. I am scared honestly. I'm scared to see what the real world will bring out of me. I mean, I couldn't even keep a job at BRS. What makes me think I can make it college? But I don't care. It is just the begining of a lot of bs stories that I'll complain about here. Damn. lol

I really hope this new year brings happyness to all of my friends (close, new, not so close, and olden) and family. Health and happyness.

Last year....
Yea, this past year was not at all bad. I learned alot about myself and possibly others.

Good friends, Good Food, Good Rants, Good Game

!!The Good Guy!!

48th Post

2005-12-27T02:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry blogger, www.myspace.com has almost taken over

It's pretty sad to see people get sucked into conformity, esp when those people are the people that you look up to be the one's that don't ever do such things. I can safely say that i have had a myspace WAY longer than anyone else.

On the other hand, HS and conformity are ment for eachother, it isn't a crime to try to get some fun out of it. I dont know.

So turkey day came and went, last year around the same time i was in love with someone else, she knows who she is.

Christmas came and santa brought me a TI-89. I still need to read the manual. And Battlefield 2 .that game pwns. I cant wait to go back to school so i can get my cable so i can play online and get my ass kicked by 1337 players.

My sister came, i cant believe she left, i miss her. I like how we get along and stuff. I guess because she has gone through it and she knows how i feel.

Next step college, yea, college, i said it. I'm going to DeVry in phoenix. Ive been accepted and everything. Im scared, excited, and bummed out. I like El Paso, but i cant let this momentum just pass, gotta keep moving.

im going to miss everyone here, from you to that kid i don't know the name of...but what am i REALLY leaving behind? i dont know either. I mean it feels like my friends just dont give a shit about me, i havent received any calls, any holiday greetings, anything. kinda sux, but i dont care, i was never the most outgoing one either. I guess im too picky and shit. I cant blame them. But now i look back, fuck i really am a loser, but do i REALLY care? The answer is no, i live haply.

It's pretty sick how our group of people kinda ended up. Everyone is looking for the next person to "love". I find it pointless, you can't force it, thought i am not the one to talk, but it's just sad to see everyone stressed about having someone. I mean, i see some of these couples, is making out and fucking all that there is to a relationship? Is just talking and keeping your hands to yourself a relationship? commitment of that sort comes with all those things, physical and emotional. I don't know, i need a friend, someone to talk to. I have them, but they have girlfriends, it's like a dripping faucet. I just dont feel comfortable, i have been fucked over too many times, but then again... im probably just not leting the past go. I am too scared of getting my shit ruined i dont know what the hell to do. Thank goodness for VACATION! w00t!

Love, it is over used.
bye

47th Post

2005-11-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

I new from the begining that i'd be braindead by noon.

I knew from the begining of my shift that i would become one of them. Yea one of them, they stand in the line man, fuckin hanging their heads wishing they werent there. But they have to feed the kids. Man i cant be like that. Thanx God that i (thnink) am going to college. I wonder who will miss me, i wonder who'll forget me. All i know fuckin bugging people, making them answer questions on laundry detergent isnt a life for me. It's sad how fast you get accustomed to the routine, fuckin- "hello, yes im Mike-Jones" Fuckin tool man. I feel abused, but its absurd to think this way mainly because im the one who brought it to myself. Man i need to fuckin ruin my shit, i need some more flexibility on things, fuckin it sux.
VERBATIM, how i hate it.
I dont like to be linear, i hate the fact that when i make a person laugh i run the risk of being fired. It isnt me, i now see how people become alcoholics.
Meet quota, fuck that, look at the statistics, it is impossible without devine intervention.
I cant wait to get on break, thn at least i can talk to people i care about.
Break is the best. I can collect myself, recount my braincells. I feel like meat now, not fuckin pussy ass vegetable.
A job, a fuckn brick wall one side, the good, the other the soviet oppresion. Anythin is better.

Thnxgivin was fun. My cousin came from out of town, she is cool.

My sister came, but she left early, i was sad but im glad she is doin so well.

My brother gave us some news, a serious conversation at the breakfast table. Maybe ill write about it later.

Myspace is my favorite time waster next to AA.

I think ill lose my mind if i dont find somethin to pacify.

I have Cal homework that i didnt do because i didnt get my password. God help me.

Yea, im completely pointless, thanx for noticing, i cant wait until i find a new adventure to bitch and moan about. YAY EMO!

Fever dog scratching at my front door.

I like the fact that people take the time to read this. Thnx guys/gals!

46th Post

2005-11-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

So….band was fun [/awkward]
(if u don’t get it go to any forum that uses BB)

Yea, its time for me to hit the fan and see what ive been missing. Im fuckin screwd over to finally grow the fuck up. It’s time. Id like to thank everyone who has helped me retain my childhood. But with the closing of a life of music and ensemble I realize that im a fuckin freshman in the world. Now is the time for me to gather my things and move to the next phase of life. Yea, even if I wanted to stay, I don’t really have a choice. It’s not like I can quit life… (w00t, EMO!)

In any case, I find it weird how everything leads to everything else, the universe is a huge place, its pimp how everythin is connected. Class ends a new place. Another town another place, another road, another face. We are the road-crew.

So I got a new fone , its pimp…by pimp I mean there is no antenna to break, the perfect thing for me! YAY!

Fuck, now I need to figure out what college to go to. Im thinking seriously about DeVry, why? Mainly because they have a bachelors program for Computer Engineering, and because Cisco, gives me money to go there. Another road I can take is the pre-Engineering at Community, I like it because I get to stay in El Paso another year. Ill finally get to see this Juarez place ive been hearing about. YAY!

I need a new friend….To become my friend just fill this simple Questionare…

1. Name?

2. Nick name?

3. Finally…Are you Mac Enough?

Just add that to a comment you will leave.

OHHHHHH YEA!
Ive recently been hearing a lot of Oasis. Wtf aye? Suddenly everyone is a die-hard fan of a Beatles nearly-cover band. (if you are too stupid to see why, I suggest you listen to REAL music, not shit that is fed to you by a) MTV b)People you probly should NOT be following c)Carlos Nieto)
No really, someone tell me why all of a sudden Oasis is the IT thing, fuckin phonys. And quit overplaying Wonderwall. It should be played with meaning….wait, its about to lose it once done in interpretive dance. Fuck im pissed. Next thing you know people will be suddenly learning Spanish to please their aristocratic leader because they suddenly got the urge to listen to Caifanes. Wait a minute…..if that is you please fill out the questionare! w00t!

Man being grown up rocks! [/joke]
….in fact it’s cold as hell..

45th Post

2005-10-23T14:22:00.001-06:00

Man, I hope they don’t ask for the cookie back.

When was the last time I updated this thing? Fuck I need to get my shit straight. Oh well. Fucking Calculus is kicking my ass…hard. It sucks being the jerk that can’t get his shit together in that class.

I hate not updating but I don’t gots time, and when I do I am usually doing a bunch of pointless stuff, meh. But this time I'm serious, I will update! Especially since I gots this new app from Blogger, It lets me do shit on word so I wont have to go through the hassle of a web browser.

As for the past couple months, just fucking school and band and her have been keeping me busy, but I like em all. It is fun I am really enjoying this year, it just sux it’s all over in May. Fuck it, no regrets man.

My car is acting up, but what are u going to do?

Marching season is almost over and it hurts a lot… I am going to miss it, but I can’t wait for fucking San Antonio its going to pwn,

Now for the fun stuff, it seems that we have the tightest trumpet section around, after fucking TOB we had a little shindig for all the trumpets and what not, all the other schools seemed very uptight I guess, and we were like the only ones that seemed to have fun. So it makes me happy that our trumpet section is just there to fuck around, and we are the only group of trumpets that actually laugh together. I like that we are so cool.

(I’m sorry none of this shit makes scence, but I’m fucking tired, I only had fucking 3 hours of sleep last night. I am dying writing this. I need a nap.)

Holloweenie is coming! YAY, I don’t know what ill be but its going to be fun, I get to go trick or treat with Melina!!!!! YAY! I really want to go because in the past years we always had competition on those days and we never got a chance to trick or treat, and now its going to be awesome because I actually gots friends! How cool is that! ….yes.

Anyway, I will now start to update as often as I can. I really need to

(OMD my 45th post!!??!)

Anyways,
Thank you all for coming out and I hope I passed the audition

44th Post

2005-08-22T03:16:00.000-06:00

(i r delta o_O)

(if u dont get it, just ask)

Yea im losing it, but u gotta admit....i donno, im just talking

gnight

43rd Post

2005-08-14T23:05:00.000-06:00

Carrots and eggs man.
Yea, thats it, fuck all u people, dont care about me enough to say, " when r u going to update that pimptacualr blog of yours?" Yea, i know i always rant about that but its nice to know if people actually read this shit. Anyways, the buisness. Yea, the only thing that has happend is fuckin i took my yearbook foto. I came out fuckin retarded lookin, i swear fuckin that guy from the goonies is better lookin...whats his name, you know the italian one. yea, i fuckin kame out like a fuckin duche...

Im sad, why? because i havent talked to my good friend Tanya, donno why, it sux because i feel we are drifting away, fuck she was cool, i liked fuckin talkin to her, you know in that way where u both learn shit from eachother, like that book Tuesdays with Morrie. Yea thats a fuckin good book, dont ask how i even managed to pick it up, but that shit will change ur life and shit. Yea man, im writing this shit in like less that 5 fuckin minutes, just had to do a fuckin brain dump.

Fuckin school is fuckin gay and shit, i think im going to suck it in fuckin Calculus, why? i dont know i get lazy and dont study then we get hit with a fuckin gay fuckin assignment and i get fucked over and shit, its frustrating.

My gf is pimpzor, she is so cute. Like not in a gross way, but u know that cute that you just dont want to ever let go because it makes you feel good, yea, like that fuckin Pedigree comercial for the puppy mix. Yea like that just in a cute hot chick kinda way. I swear im not fuckin jelouse of anything, but sometimes i just kinda get like a teeny tiny bit, i dont know it fucks me up inside, because i swear i dont want to be that way, but i guess its normal, im just glad she hasnt mentioned her other BF, i mean, ignorance is bliss no?

Hey, if anyone reads this, please post who you are, i kinda want to get a base if you do read. Just say hi and put your name, that would be pimp.

This weekend my cousins came to visit. It was fun but like many other times, we were stranded and had nothin to do. I wish i wasnt such a loser bitch, oh well, what can ya do?

Im sad i didnt see my GF all weekend.(suck it bitches) It was her birthday.

I like the rain. It makes ya think.

Im tring to become ambidextrous, that would be totally freekin awsome. Im gettin better at fuckin writing with my right hand, and i can throw shit pretty good.

So yea, post me a comment, THNX

....And to all a good night!

42nd Post

2005-07-23T07:04:00.000-06:00

It all has to end some time....

Fuck im pissed that my vacation is over. I wish i could just have one more week. but meh, what ar u gonna do? I got my new grafix card in the mail about 2 days ago. Installed it the second i got it. The case was sooooooo dusty. I dont know why my processor didnt fail. There were so many dust bunnys. It was disgusting. Ive been looking at my Cal book and i decided it would be my hardest class. being how it is my ONLY AP class. but i had to look through the book just to make sure. Half of this stuff doesnt even make sence to be in the same paragraph.

I went to freshman camp. Looks like i will get me a fresh bitch. Taylor is still annoying, but i think i can fuck up some freshman morale, i just dont know who will be the one.

Pendleton never looks me in the eye any more. Its funny i think. To think, we used to talk, but alas my time is come to say our woefull...... i donno, we just have to be able to do the small talk or else im going to have to find new..er friends. I mean, i know he isnt giving up his current friends right now, he is too much of a loser to make any. I dont know why im ranting. But in any case, im pretty sure id lose at that , mainly because he is like that fuckin rock in the middle of something important. you know you could probably get rid of it, but its too deep in, and it would take too much work to take it out. so u just meander(sorry just wanted to say that word) about and just kinda get used to its pointless ness..

i miss my syster, she was 'teh fun'

on a lighter note. I am doin pretty well w/my gf. she is cool. We never argue, wich is kinda weird because ive been known to argue just randomly. wich brings up a point...mabe im just conforming, am i tired of all of it? tired of all the work i put into my pointless ness? tired of just being around those that can cause me to break? just conforming? or is she the one that conforms to suit me? does she avoid the whole mixup all together to make me happy? or does she do it to keep me from knowing her true secret? her true self? her othr boyfriend????? or is she like some sort of pirate zombie whos goal is to infiltrate the young minds while they are still in hs so that they can build an army of brainwashed children/zombies and then when they have the army they will revolt against the whole 'why dont we sleep during the day, besides its cooler at night' then we will because as u know, even a sniper cant kill the undead, then we will spend all our resources on keeping the land lit, then the in the underground they will have that room like in Dr. Strangelove, just with more delagates, just think the UN on steroids, renamed UNoS, they will be making a plot to make a huge revolution to kill all the zombies by making them run off cliffs and sending them to a "tour" to the sun, because as you know, they are extreamly clumzy off cliffs and zombies are eazyly killed in space unlike Freeza.....(fukin morons, dont you people know how to kill a zombie, cliffs and space) . and all the while she is making this army of idiot kids, she is having those gothic orgys ive been hearing about,AHHHH!!!! im going to go cry myself to sleep...or mabe im over reacting. but the fact that she is having those unprotected gothic orgys gets to me... or even worse another BF.... now she can let him down easy, but in a month its over.

I win!!! ................................no i dont....
damn